Weekend Update - 12/31/16

Weekend Update - 12/31/16 Someone recently asked me what is meaningful to me. My answer is each and every one of you who have shared my journey. Thank you all for loving me and loving me when I was not able to love myself. I am very aware of just how fortunate I am to have the family and friends I have as part of my life. I am extremely grateful for the gifts I have received. Thank you. And the old saying is true. Once a social worker, always a social worker. Volunteering to assist other cancer patients and it feels so good. As the holidays are here, I ask all who would like to give to please donate as one of my greatest needs is to continue to be able to pay my bills. Due to my latest surgery and resultant trips to the doctors/labs things are stretched more than ever at this time so I am asking all to please share my story once again emphasizing that no amount is too small and that $10.00 - $20.00 is better than $0 dollars. I so look forward to the day when I do not need to ask for financial assistance. This continues to become so much more of a humbling experience. A continuing big “THANK YOU” to all who have and continue to share their experience, strength, hope, time and resources. Your time and gifts are, as always, greatly appreciated and still needed. ***Please note that the 12/14/16 post in my blog is one which I encourage you to share freely.*** Please read and share my story. www.gofundme.com/j55wek

Weekend Update - 12/23/16

It is again that most wonderful time of the year. And in keeping with one of my new traditions … It is once again time for a homage to my journey with cancer and (in particular) for all the great gifts it has and continues to bestow upon me especially this past year. Last year at this time I was quite overwhelmed with the fact that I was still alive. This year I am so very grateful to be able to be still alive and able to write the following ….. a few items with tongue planted firmly in cheek and a few not so much. While there is some repetition please be reminded I hold all of these gifts in equal esteem. Oh the memories keep adding up. 1. A brand new urostomy for me. 2. No more testicles for me. 3. No more “urge incontinence” …. due to no bladder. 4. A prostate gland no more … where it all began. 5. 43 lymph nodes disappear and a couple in my neck are now gone too. 6. Radiation treatments and the everlasting radiation colitis. Really Nasty. 7. All of my thyroid gland now removed.*NOTE: Nothing strange growing inside me anymore! 8. My diagnoses of lymphedema, fecal incontinence, diabetes and the old pals of chronic pain, depression and mobility issues. Let’s get this party started! 9. My pal Crippling Debt is still here. New bills that no longer have “insurance pending” on them. 10. Still discovering whole new levels of friendship and family and finding out I am wanted, needed, expected and loved. *A special shout out to a friend who is showing me a level of strength that I could not have dreamed existed. 11. Experiencing even more new depths of the meaning of perseverance. 12. Still finding out my losses are the source of my greatest gains in how positive I can choose to view the world and the human beings in it. A much deeper perspective on my life. My thanks to the cancer support group. 13. Being grateful for what I have, acknowledging I have the ability to be a more positive force in the world and to be at peace with myself. 14. Finding out, again, that in the end it comes down to me and the choices I do and/or do not make. 15. I must rely on my faith, what I alone believe in, if I am going to make it through to the end of this journey and not attempt to write the end of my story myself. This week I am facing down my depression and am doing my best to plug into those support systems which will nourish me. Those who know me know I am not a big fan of change… but change I must. The most significant change is in facing down my belief system. Owning all of my belief system, acting accordingly and facing down one of my old demons by even more truly not caring what anyone else thinks. More will be revealed. I am very aware of just how fortunate I am to have the family and friends I have as part of my life. I am extremely grateful for the gifts I have received. Thank you. And the old saying is true. Once a social worker, always a social worker. Volunteering to assist other cancer patients and it feels so good. As the holidays are here, I ask all who would like to give to please donate as one of my greatest needs is to continue to be able to pay my bills. Due to my latest surgery and resultant trips to the doctors/labs things are stretched more than ever at this time so I am asking all to please share my story once again emphasizing that no amount is too small and that $10.00 - $20.00 is better than $0 dollars. I so look forward to the day when I do not need to ask for financial assistance. This continues to become so much more of a humbling experience. A continuing big “THANK YOU” to all who have and continue to share their experience, strength, hope, time and resources. Your time and gifts are, as always, greatly appreciated and still needed. ***Please note that the 12/14/16 post in my blog is one which I encourage you to share freely.*** Please read and share my story. www.gofundme.com/j55wek

Weekend Update - 12/17/16

Sometimes you find yourself in the forrest and are overwhelmed. The longer you stay there the more overwhelmed you become. I am living with the results of having had cancer every day and the increased side effects of my cancer treatments are severely impacting my life at present. The negative thoughts in my head have increased over the past weeks which does scare me. This has been my story for the past weeks. The increased intensity of a few of my physical issues, the increased strain of my financial situation and the stress of attempting to navigate through these storms I find myself lost in the forest more often than not. First I need to thank those who listened, asked me questions and gave me subtle (and not so subtle) directions to ask for and go get some help. I was once again shown how much people do care, there are no “magic wands” to make situations and/or feelings disappear and ultimately it is up to me to take positive action to find my way out of the forest. The past week I have had a few days of “positive action” and found that it really does help. Surprise surprise surprise.…asking for help, sharing what I am feeling and where I am mentally, physically and spiritually and then listening for the answers and accepting that I could not see and/or did not know much, if any, of this stuff really does work. I really should still not be surprised at how much and what I forget when the depression hits and I feel completely overwhelmed. The first, and least obvious to me, is that I am still the last one to see any of this happening. My denial is strong ….. not necessarily a good thing. The second is that sometimes I have very legitimate reasons to feel overwhelmed and lost in the forest. I am eternally grateful to the folks who recently reminded me of this. Life is like that at times. So my ongoing mission continues to be to listen to and share what is going on with me with family and friends, go to those places where I can get spiritually fed, allow myself to feel and to be where I am and to try to have as much fun as I can along the way. And to do all of this acknowledging and accepting the reality of my “new normal” and to give thanks every day that I am still here to experience every precious moment of every precious day. I do this in honor of my father who passed on when I was 12 years old on December 19th and to honor all of my other ancestors. Some good news…………I no longer have to see the liver doctor! Other current events are I am still in the donut hole in regards to my medication costs and I am receiving more hospital/doctor bills outside of the normal doctor appointment/lab bills due to my last hospitalization and tests. Some of these are still reading “insurance pending”. Due to my latest surgery and resultant trips to the doctors/labs things are stretched more than ever at this time so I am asking all to please share my story once again emphasizing that no amount is too small and that $10.00 - $20.00 is better than $0 dollars. I so look forward to the day when I do not need to ask for financial assistance. This continues to become so much more of a humbling experience. A continuing big “THANK YOU” to all who have and continue to share their experience, strength, hope, time and resources. Your time and gifts are, as always, greatly appreciated and still needed. ***Please note that the 12/14/16 post in my blog is one which I encourage you to share freely.*** Please read and share my story. www.gofundme.com/j55wek

SPECIAL HOLIDAY UPDATE - 12/14/16

Below you will read the story of a long-time friend of mine who is asking for help. He is a former social worker, retired due to disability resulting from a near-paralyzing collision many years ago (not his fault).  This is a legitimate request and a true story. I ask you to read, give what you can, and to share my friend’s story. Richard’s Story - Rik is a Medicare patient due to his disability status, not his age. Beginning in 2011, his PSA level began to creep up until it reached a 10, at which point his primary care physician referred him to a urologist. He also had various urinary problems, all of which are common problems for older men. His PSA count continued to climb and he was diagnosed with BPH (benign prostate hypoxia -- enlarged prostate) and a bladder infection. However, his symptoms slowly became more of an issue and his PSA level went to the high teens, then the 20’s, 30’s and up into the high 60’s. He also had, over about three years, three biopsies of the prostate.  Each one showed nothing new - still BPH and a recurrent bladder infection.  NOTE: The doctor who was treating Rik “left” that practice very suddenly and a nurse called to tell him that his new doctor (the head doctor at this practice) would now be taking over his treatment.  The nurse said "Oh, my!  Your PSA level is really high and we need you to come in ASAP to see the doctor."  Rik came in a few days later.  The new doctor said that yet another biopsy was needed, and he performed it right away.  This one came back positive for cancer in August of 2014.   Rik also had an MRI at this time, which showed cancer in the surrounding lymph nodes.His PSA at the time was at least in the 80’s. He had two bone scans, which were negative, and then a followup “targeted” needle biopsy which showed positive for cancer. The outlook was not good and he was told that the prognosis was terminal and there was nothing to be done.  This doctor's only treatment options were hormone suppression and targeted radiation and radiation seeds. At his last visit to this practice, however, Rik was only able to meet with a Physician's Assistant, who encouraged him to begin the hormone suppression therapy and told him there was really no need for him to  try anything else or seek a second opinion. The doctor did not see him and would not even look at Rik,  even though Rik could see him sitting in the office area. This doctor spent very little time with Rik during his visits and “avoided him like the plague”.  After this, Rik followed the strong advice of friends with connections to the Winship Cancer Center at Emory University Hospital and went there for a second opinion. In Rik's words, he finally found (at Winship) "a doctor who actually cares about his patients and in this case the patient was me."  A PET scan showed the cancer had progressed beyond the prostate and surrounding lymph nodes and had progressed well into the bladder. Further tests revealed an unrelated thyroid cancer.  Because the doctors at Emory/Winship persuaded him that he had a life worth saving and his surgeon stated to Rik that he did “not believe in no win scenarios”, Rik underwent the following operations and treatment: - November 2014:  The initial operation removed his prostate, bladder, 43 lymph nodes, and remaining testicle.  This procedure resulted in his receiving a urostomy and having to recover at home for the next 3 months, with the help of friends. Until recently there was little family support and his close circle of friends in Atlanta have been his lifeline throughout his illness. - February 2015:  February marked the beginning of seven and one half weeks of daily (M-F) radiation treatments, which lasted through March.   - May 2015:  Post-radiation, he underwent a thyroidectomy, which resulted in the removal of more than 65% of his thyroid. June 2015:  Biopsy of  remaining thyroid, which produced five samples.  Four of the samples were inconclusive for cancer and one was negative. Later that month, physicians stated that the thyroid cancer was in remission but would have to be monitored.  January 2016: Colonoscopy revealed colon damage due to radiation treatments and the resultant diagnosis of radiation proctitis. March 2016: Flexible Sigmoidoscopy to treat the remaining lesions in the bowel they did not get during the previous colonoscopy. September 2016: Completion Thyroidectomy and Parathyroid Autograft. Tests over the previous months revealed significant growth of the nodules in the remaining thyroid gland. In the months following his radiation treatments, Rik has been diagnosed with diabetes, hepatitis C, radiation proctitis and is suffering the other resultant physical “problems” related to his cancer treatment and the illnesses. All of these have further increased his medical costs and severely impacted his life. HOW YOU CAN HELP While Rik is lucky and all of us are grateful that he is alive, his struggle to survive cancer has come at a considerable financial cost and he needs your help. He is a 63-year-old disabled/retired social worker living on a fixed income and was unprepared to absorb the breadth and depth of medical costs associated with the procedures, treatments, and ongoing examinations to ensure he remains in remission.   Before these events started, he was able to perform some “odd jobs” at times to bring in minimal extra funds. The “odd jobs” consisting of helping people clean their houses, going to the store/shopping for and with people who needed assistance, and going with people to their doctor’s appointments. Once a social worker always a social worker. Due to the physical toll of my operations, treatments for the cancer and other health issues, he is no longer able to continue performing any “odd jobs” to bring in extra funds. Please be aware that with his fixed income, he would be able to meet normal bills and remain in his home. He cannot, however, handle this crippling medical bills on his fixed income.  Medicare only pays 80% of the medical costs that it covers.  That 20% of bills like Rik's is a crippling amount for someone who has no way to supplement his income. You can make a huge difference in this one life. Your kind and deeply appreciated donation(s) can help a wonderful person remain in his home, pay down medical/other bills, and reduce the added stress of financial fears piled on top of dealing with severe medical problems for a fellow human being.  Achieving his fund raising goal would allow him to pay off enough of his bills and remain in his home. (Although I would like to see him raise a little more so that there is a cushion against future medical bills.)      I know this has been long reading, but thank you for sticking it out to the end.  Please consider doing whatever you can for Richard T. Hill Jr. In closing, I ask all of you to help my friend to keep his home.  To donate please go to:     www.gofundme.com/j55wek

Weekend Update - 12/9/16

How best to honor all who have and continue to walk with me on my cancer journey? I will honestly write about my thoughts and feelings even though I am terrified by doing so because a part of me believes people do not want to hear my current reality but only want to hear how “positive and uplifting” my battle with cancer and it’s aftereffects have been. My reality is I still live with cancer every damn day. Two of my daily reminders are my urostomy and the fecal incontinence. So here goes…and writing I now am… I breath in and out, put one foot in front of the other, act as mature and responsible as I can in all of my actions (physical, mental, spiritual, financial) and (especially in times like these) I “act as if” everything will work out OK. These are the times I am fighting the negative voices in my head, am fighting to get out of bed each day, am fighting to take proper physical care of myself, am fighting to make positive decisions in all areas of my life, and above all I am fighting to not write the end of my story. These are times where I need to be reminded that I do not “know” what is going to happen any more than I “know” the winning lottery numbers. I feel physically, emotionally and spiritually constipated. On top of that I know I am financially constipated which does not help at all. I do know that my “cancer journey” is not a singular event with a definitive beginning, middle and end. Well my cancer journey does indeed have an end. The same “end” we all share in the end…death. However, I will not be dying anytime soon. Although when my life did have an expiration date my life appeared to be a lot simpler. As is more apparent to me now …. I am depressed and after talking with a couple of friends it is now time for me to once again seek some professional help. I am still surprised at how blind I can be to what is going on with me. I am a very lucky guy to have friends who really let me know when I am running off the rails. In the midst of all of this another doctor visit this week and my liver blood work should be done next week. This hopefully will be a bright spot on this journey. I must add that my trips to my doctor and to the hospital to pick up a friend gave me some perspective I needed. More importantly it was very good to actually be able to help someone who has been there for me. In closing I am once again reminding myself of how best I can honor all of you who have walked with and supported me on this journey. And the answer is … follow directions, check my pride and ego at the door and continue to talk talk talk and write write write. Writing this has been a good emotional douche. Due to my latest surgery and resultant trips to the doctors/labs things are stretched more than ever at this time so I am asking all to please share my story once again emphasizing that no amount is too small and that $10.00 - $20.00 is better than $0 dollars. I so look forward to the day when I do not need to ask for assistance. This continues to become so much more of a humbling experience. A continuing big “THANK YOU” to all who have and continue to share their experience, strength, hope, time and resources. Your time and gifts are, as always, greatly appreciated and needed. ***Please note that the 12/3/15 post in my blog is one which I encourage you to share freely.*** Please read and share my story. www.gofundme.com/j55wek

Weekend Update - 12/2/16

This is one of those weeks where I feel like I have stepped off a cliff and am falling. The only thing I am waiting for is the impact. At least I will not have to feel anything then. The impacts of my physical issues and what I need to do to cope with them has been a little overwhelming this week. To quote, “sometimes it just be that way”. Yes, sometimes it is but it still sucks. I am trying to find something powerful and positive to say, think or feel. Maybe it’s the holidays. For many many years this has not been “that most wonderful time of the year”. As I write this I am coming to believe I might just be a little bit depressed. Yep….. I am a little bit depressed. Before I go down this particular road any father I need to stop here. It is again time for me to focus on breathing in and out, putting one foot in front of the other and to do the next right thing. Also, time for me not to make any decisions and talk talk talk to friends and family so I can get a perspective on life other than the one currently rattling around in my head. My extreme thanks to all of those who have and/or continue to provide me with healthy doses of mental floss. I see the liver doctor next week and this should be an “everything’s OK see you later” visit. And back to my fiscal reality…I am afraid…the bills are coming in now and all I can do is laugh and ask for help. The most mature and responsible thing I can do right now is to continue to check my pride and ego and continue to ask for the help I need. Due to my latest surgery and resultant trips to the doctors/labs things are stretched more than ever at this time so I am asking all to please share my story once again emphasizing that no amount is too small and that $10.00 - $20.00 is better than $0 dollars. A continuing big “THANK YOU” to all who have and continue to share their experience, strength, hope, time and resources. Your time and gifts are, as always, greatly appreciated and needed. I so look forward to the day when I do not need to ask for assistance. This continues to become much more of a humbling experience. ***Please note that the 12/3/15 post in my blog is one which I encourage you to share freely.*** Please read and share my story. www.gofundme.com/j55wek

Weekend Update - 11/25/16

I am now celebrating TWO years out since my big cancer operation. This is one of those moments for me where I am realizing how fortuitous, fluky, accidental, blessed, fortunate and just plain lucky I am to still be here breathing let alone be sitting here writing this. As this is the “Thanksgiving season” I am called upon to remind myself what I am thankful for. Please note that the following items are not listed in order of “importance” or in any other order for that matter. * All of the doctors, nurses and other staff at Emory. * The people in my life who pushed, shoved, dragged and otherwise encouraged me to get that second opinion after my initial cancer diagnosis and followup terminal cancer diagnosis. * The love, forgiveness, and patience of family and friends who have been walking with me throughout my life’s journey. * The people who have loved and continue to love me through my cancer journey so far. * The great depth of the patience and forgiveness of damn near everyone in my life as this journey unfolded and continues to unfold. * The gifts of time and resources, financial and otherwise, I have received and continue to receive from family, friends and total strangers. * All of the car rides to doctors and the ER and for sitting with me through out those adventures. * All of the nights spent with me as I was recovering. * The free sharing of the unique expertise of everyone involved in my recovery and the willingness of a few of you to see all of me in all of my glory….notably the baths and of course the wound care which was pretty gnarly. * The cancer support groups and the other cancer patients who continue to keep my perspective about me and my cancer journey in reality and me sane. * To the “powers that be” for continuing to remind me I am not alone, I am wanted, needed and expected here on this planet and I still have things to do. I did see two more of my doctors this week and blood work looks good and all else is “normal”. Now to keep this real…..my new words for my life are (drum role please) … fecal incontinence. Look that up in your Funk and Wagnalls. That is a gift that keeps on giving and is another gift of my radiation treatment. All I can do is laugh and run to the bathroom. One more thank you for everyone….. Thank you all for being here in my life. I would not be here without you. And back to my fiscal reality…… Due to my latest surgery and resultant trips to the doctors/labs things are stretched more than ever at this time so I am asking all to please share my story once again emphasizing that no amount is too small and that $10.00 - $20.00 is better than $0 dollars. A continuing big “THANK YOU” to all who have and continue to share their experience, strength, hope, time and resources. Your time and gifts are, as always, greatly appreciated and still needed. I so look forward to the day when I do not need to ask for assistance. This continues to become much more of a humbling experience. ***Please note that the 12/3/15 post in my blog is one which I encourage you to share freely.*** Please read and share my story. www.gofundme.com/j55wek

Weekend Update - 11/18/16

This coming Monday the 21st is the second anniversary of my big cancer surgery. This is the surgery where they removed my prostate, testicles, bladder, 43 lymph nodes and I received the gift of my urostomy. This surgery, along with the followup radiation treatments etc, saved my life. I will be forever grateful to Dr. A for not believing in “no win scenarios”. At this moment the above events are almost surreal to me. The fact that I am still here two years on is … I am not sure at this time how to describe it at this time. Doctor appointments continue to be ongoing. Hopefully these will continue to be the bearers of good news. They are now concerned about some blood in my stool. This most likely is a continuation of the radiation proctitis. More will be revealed. A part of me is so very tired of having to deal with all of this. “This” being the ongoing medical appointments/procedures, the physical/mental aspects of dealing with all of this and how my life has changed and continues to be impacted by my terminal cancer diagnosis. I continue to live with my “new normal”. New bills continue to arrive and I am trying to do the next right thing. The most mature and responsible thing I can do right now is to continue to check my pride and ego and continue to ask for the help I need. Due to my latest surgery and resultant trips to the doctors/labs things are stretched more than ever at this time so I am asking all to please share my story once again emphasizing that no amount is too small and that $10.00 - $20.00 is better than $0 dollars. A continuing big “THANK YOU” to all who have and continue to share their experience, strength, hope, time and resources. Your time and gifts are, as always, greatly appreciated and needed. I so look forward to the day when I do not need to ask for assistance. This continues to become much more of a humbling experience. ***Please note that the 12/3/15 post in my blog is one which I encourage you to share freely.*** Please read and share my story. www.gofundme.com/j55wek And read my blog at: riksjourney.blogspot.com

Weekend Update - 11/11/16

This week a good friend reminded me through casual conversation as to how deeply my cancer diagnosis and my journey thus far has affected him. Under the heading of things you think you know but don’t……… How my cancer journey has affected the people in my life and how clueless I have been to this fact even though I have been so aware of this and thought I “knew” about this. This has been a time for me to pause and acknowledge to you and reiterate to myself that I am not alone, I am loved and my life on this planet is far from over. This week has been very humbling for me. Other positive notes are my blood work continues to look OK but with another change in my thyroid medication. More will be revealed. The fatigue continues along with my other normal issues. I am spending extra time talking myself into leaving the house and eating and doing the most mature and responsible things I can. And while I would like to live in a bubble, I do not. In talking with some other cancer patients I have to agree that the events of this past week have caused me to be the most depressed since the day I was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I am so grateful for my friends and family. You continue to provide me shelter and a reality check against the dark thoughts I have and times we live in. I hope at least in some small way I am able to provide some degree of comfort and grace to you. *** Please note that financially times are extra tight for me right now so… Due to my latest surgery and resultant trips to the doctors/labs things are stretched more than ever at this time so I am asking all to please share my story once again emphasizing that no amount is too small and that $10.00 - $20.00 is better than $0 dollars. A continuing big “THANK YOU” to all who have and continue to share their experience, strength, hope, time and resources. Your time and gifts are, as always, greatly appreciated and needed. I so look forward to the day when I do not need to ask for assistance. This continues to be a very humbling experience. ***Please note that the 12/3/15 post in my blog is one which I encourage you to share freely.*** Please read and share my story. www.gofundme.com/j55wek And read my blog at: riksjourney.blogspot.com

Weekend Update 11/4/16

Great news from my oncologist this week. My PSA remains undetectable and my other blood work also looks good. Aside from a little bowel issue and some fatigue I am having a good week. I have decided to take some time off this week as I just want to turn off the world for awhile. I am going to do my best to just be a good human being doing good human being things. My continued thanks to all who continue to walk this path with me. Much love to you all. Due to my latest surgery and resultant trips to the doctors/labs things are stretched more than ever at this time so I am asking all to please share my story once again emphasizing that no amount is too small and that $10.00 - $20.00 is better than $0 dollars. A continuing big “THANK YOU” to all who have and continue to share their experience, strength, hope, time and resources. Your time and gifts are, as always, greatly appreciated and needed. I so look forward to the day when I do not need to ask for assistance. This continues to be a very humbling experience. ***Please note that the 12/3/15 post in my blog is one which I encourage you to share freely.*** Please read and share my story. www.gofundme.com/j55wek And read my blog at: riksjourney.blogspot.com

Weekend Update 10/28/16

This has been a week of wrestling with my demons. So far I am up 4-2. In other words, I am a bit of a mess. The subject for this weeks edition is hope. Please note that this will also include some bits from the deep cleaning of the inner recesses of my mind. There have been few rainbows and puppies …so reader beware. Hope can be a wonderful thing. Hope has allowed me to feel feelings that I, for whatever reasons, have been unable and/or unwilling to allow myself to feel and, in addition, has been a real denial buster. Sometimes I feel like a nut and sometimes I don’t. This past week has become more nutty for me. My ongoing financial status is the one thing I can point to which has brought me face to face with my life as I know it. Long story short … nothing has changed other than my perception. The reason for this is the ongoing evolution of my understanding that I will indeed be on the planet for the foreseeable future. As such I must act accordingly which means that I must act in the most mature and responsible way I can. This has meant a lot of sitting on my hands and doing nothing. For me this is a very sane and healthy action for me to take. This week continues to be a rollercoaster. At times I feel so grateful I cry a little bit. At other times I have felt so hopeless and depressed that those dark thoughts return and I cry a little bit. Please know that I am holding on tight as this has been and continues to be one bumpy ride. Writing about this week is some of the best mental floss I have ever had. I will give myself some pats on the back for this. In closing I am going to add the following………… May the Bank of America forever burn in the eternal hell fires of damnation. My love and thanks to those people I am so blessed to have in my life. Due to my latest surgery and resultant trips to the doctors/labs things are stretched more than ever at this time so I am asking all to please share my story once again emphasizing that no amount is too small and that $10.00 - $20.00 is better than $0 dollars. A continuing big “THANK YOU” to all who have and continue to share their experience, strength, hope, time and resources. Your time and gifts are, as always, greatly appreciated and needed. I so look forward to the day when I do not need to ask for assistance. This continues to be a very humbling experience. ***Please note that the 12/3/15 post in my blog is one which I encourage you to share freely.*** Please read and share my story. www.gofundme.com/j55wek

Weekend Update 10/21/16

Please note that one month from now is the two year anniversary of my big cancer surgery. I consider this another birthday….and I am so looking forward to it. I believe a good reality is finally begging to settle in for me. Said reality being I will be here for quite a few years yet. NED —No Evidence of Disease. I am now even a happier human being than I was last week. This is fundamentally changing my perception of life as I have come to know it. Being able to allow myself to see my future beyond six months is quite an adjustment, especially when I was not aware my perception of my life was so limited. I am finding I have so many more feelings about the future and my quality of life. I am becoming more aware of the changes in my body as a result of the cancer and the treatments I have undergone. I am now (since the November 2014 big cancer surgery) a eunuch because my testicles, as well as other bits and pieces, were removed. As a result, there are a lot of “feelings/emotions” which I no longer have. While this has freed up a lot of time, I am finally beginning to grieve the loss of the bodily functions associated with this loss. At times the feelings of loneliness and realizing I have many years yet to live “with me” become pretty intense. My relationship with my urostomy is also undergoing a change. The change here is my deeper realization that my urostomy is something I will be dealing with the rest of my life. I am becoming even more aware of the limitations and issues I must deal with in regards to this as life goes on. The additional changes, which will come as I age due to the impact of my other physical/medical challenges (diabetes/lymphedema/mobility issues/depression) and the reality of “once your a cancer patient…”, I view fundamentally differently than I did a month ago. I also realize that these changes are not static and will continue to further evolve over time…time I now have and which will go a lot further into the future than six months. As I stated earlier, I am a happier human being today than I was a couple of weeks ago. I am looking forward to the challenges ahead and am greatly comforted by the fact that I will not be alone as I confront them. I also encourage all of you to take great care of yourselves so you can stay the hell out of hospital because, I believe, you do not want to receive the bill (5 figures) I just got in the mail last week. Please note that this is only the first one of many connected to my latest hospital stay. Due to my latest surgery and resultant trips to the doctors/labs things are stretched more than ever at this time so I am asking all to please share my story once again emphasizing that no amount is too small and that $10.00 - $20.00 is better than $0 dollars. A continuing big “THANK YOU” to all who have and continue to share their experience, strength, hope, time and resources. Your time and gifts are, as always, greatly appreciated and needed. I so look forward to the day when I do not need to ask for assistance. This continues to be a very humbling experience. ***Please note that the 12/3/15 post in my blog is one which I encourage you to share freely.*** Please read and share my story. www.gofundme.com/j55wek

Weekend Update - 10/14/16

I saw my surgeon yesterday at my followup appointment and everything is absolutely fabulous. Everything was benign as well as removed from my body. No more “things” growing in my body and no more surgeries for, hopefully, ever. More doctor visits to come but these are all routine upkeep visits. I am still wrapping my mind around the fact I have come to this part of my journey. There are challenges ahead and the fatigue continues but this should work itself out over the next couple of months as my medications are adjusted. I continue to make myself get up and go outside, and along with eating right, these are the best therapies I feel I can do for me. I must add that one of the other great therapies for me is talking about what is going on with me and … wait for it … how I am feeling. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little. Seriously, I am so grateful for all of you who have, and continue to, listen to me as I babble on. I have said this before and must say it again…I would not be here without you. On another note, the bills (or initial statements), have begun to arrive. All I can do is smile and keep putting one foot in front of the other. I also encourage all of you to take great care of yourselves so you can stay the hell out of hospital because, I believe, you do not want to receive the bill (5 figures) I just got in the mail. Please note that this is only the first one of many connected to my latest hospital stay. Due to my latest surgery and resultant trips to the doctors/labs things are stretched more than ever at this time so I am asking all to please share my story once again emphasizing that no amount is too small and that $10.00 - $20.00 is better than $0 dollars. A continuing big “THANK YOU” to all who have and continue to share their experience, strength, hope, time and resources. Your time and gifts are, as always, greatly appreciated and needed. I so look forward to the day when I do not need to ask for assistance. This continues to be a very humbling experience. ***Please note that the 12/3/15 post in my blog is one which I encourage you to share freely.*** Please read and share my story. www.gofundme.com/j55wek And read my blog at: riksjourney.blogspot.com

Weekend Update - 10/7/17

This week has been good. My recovery from the surgery is going well. I will see my surgeon this coming Thursday. I also have found out that I can add lymphedema to my medical resume. I am sure more will be revealed about what this will mean for me. I am finding out once again what fatigue is. It was mentioned by the medical staff that I might experience some degree of fatigue following this surgery. Well, I am. I am fighting to get out of bed, be responsible and to keep moving during the day. If I sit down I find myself nodding out. I am fighting this and am making myself “get up and go”. I still find myself extremely tired at times. I am looking forward to seeing the doctors (surgeon, oncologist, endocrinologist and hepatologist) over the coming weeks. I do believe good news will continue to come. Due to my latest surgery and resultant trips to the doctors/labs things are stretched more than ever at this time so I am asking all to please share my story once again emphasizing that no amount is too small and that $10.00 - $20.00 is better than $0 dollars. A continuing big “THANK YOU” to all who have and continue to share their experience, strength, hope, time and resources. Your time and gifts are, as always, greatly appreciated and needed. I so look forward to the day when I do not need to ask for assistance. This continues to be a very humbling experience. ***Please note that the 12/3/15 post in my blog is one which I encourage you to share freely.*** Please read and share my story. www.gofundme.com/j55wek

Weekend Update - 9/30/16

This has been a historical week for me. For the first time in at least the past 3 years I do not have anything (that we know of) growing inside me that the doctors are discussing whether or not they need to treat and or remove. I am a happy happy man. I am now surgery free for the foreseeable future. I am now recovering and waiting for the divot in my neck to fill in. I am still a little sore and am limited in neck movement. No driving for me quite yet. Yes, to answer some of your questions, I am following directions. I am being responsible. I feel ………. happy? relieved? hopeful? ………all of these and more. Still have a little anesthesia brain. Of course my medications are being re-evaluated and changes are afoot. All of this should work to my advantage. I am really looking forward to this. A special thank you to the folks who provided transport and visited me during this last hospital stay and to all of those who let me know they were thinking of me. This was a continued reminder that I cannot, and do not, walk this journey alone and that I am never alone. I am looking forward to seeing my oncologist again soon and to continue to get good news from my care team. Please note that this last surgery and followup will add to my medical bills. Things are stretched more than ever at this time so I am asking all to please share my story once again emphasizing that no amount is too small and that $10.00 - $20.00 is better than $0 dollars. A continuing big “THANK YOU” to all who have and continue to share their experience, strength, hope, time and resources. Your time and gifts are, as always, greatly appreciated and needed. I so look forward to the day when I do not need to ask for assistance. This continues to be a very humbling experience. ***Please note that the 12/3/15 post in my blog is one which I encourage you to share freely.*** Please read and share my story. www.gofundme.com/j55wek And read my blog at: riksjourney.blogspot.com

Weekend Update - 9/23/16

This week I have continued in “pre-surgery mode”. I continue to do my walking/“exercising” so I am in the best possible shape for my Completion Thyroidectomy, possible Parathyroid Autograft surgery on this coming Tuesday morning. Or in my words …. Out Damn Thingys. It continues to be a bit surreal to be looking at the end of surgical visits to the hospital as this has been my reality for the past two and a half years. The good thing about this is I know I will be OK afterwards. Well, as OK as anyone can be after undergoing surgery. I do expect a positive outcome with outstanding future results. I must also share that I have once again been reminded this week of certain physical issues and limitations. It has been Mr. Nasty time a couple of times this week. (Yes I said it. I am feeling it.) I am so grateful I am around to experience these as well as to complain/talk about them. I am a very fortunate human being to have the people in my life I do. Without you folks I would not be here. It is as simple as that. The hours of “mental floss” gifted to me as you have continued to listen to me along with the patience you have shown me …. I do acknowledge and am most humbly grateful for. I know there are challenges ahead and I look forward with positive expectations to meeting them. Please note: That particular financial “ouch” of the medication “donut hole” continues. Things are still stretched more than ever at this time so I am asking all to please share my story once again emphasizing that no amount is too small and that $10.00 - $20.00 is better than $0 dollars. A continuing big “THANK YOU” to all who have and continue to share their experience, strength, hope, time and resources. Your time and gifts are, as always, greatly appreciated and needed. I so look forward to the day when I do not need to ask for assistance. This continues to be a very humbling experience. ***Please note that the 12/3/15 post in my blog is one which I encourage you to share freely.*** Please read and share my story. www.gofundme.com/j55wek

Weekend Update - 9/16/16

Some very good news this week. I met with my surgeon this week and the decision has been made to go ahead with the removal of my remaining thyroid gland and the nodules growing lustily inside it. My surgery is scheduled for the 27th of September. I am very grateful to have the doctors I have had an have full confidence in them. After all, they have saved my life. I am still in a bit of shock that for the first time in over three years I will not have anything in my body that might have be operated on and/or removed. I will also be free of “something extra” growing inside my body that, in all likelihood, would kill me. I feel like the weight of the world is being lifted off of me. My pre-surgery get ready activities continue in full swing. I am walking and exercising as I can. I can also begin to plan things again as this surgery should be a “quickie” in that I should be in and out in a day or two and the recovery time will be relatively short. There will be a period of a couple of months of possible side effects (mainly fatigue) as my medication(s) are adjusted. I was also told my blood levels can be easier adjusted now that my thyroid will be gone as the battle between my remaining thyroid and the medication will be over. In short I should do better. The future is beginning to appear much brighter and I am looking forward to it. My continued thanks to the folks in the prostate support group. The reality is I am a card carrying member of the prostate cancer club and as such there are things I must continue to do and monitor. Part of my reality is that sometimes my life is not a bed of roses. There are times in which a lot of thorns are sticking in me. I have learned that eventually the thorns do get pulled out, especially if I help do some of the pulling. I am sharing this to remind myself and others that this circle of life we all share, while at times very painful and apparently hopeless, is also at its’ base level so very beautiful and brilliant. I have found that for me to get back in touch with the brilliance of life I have to share those dark times and thoughts which occur with friends/family or somebody in order to gain some sense of perspective which has continued to allow me to return to the light. Life goes on and I am still grateful for the gift of perception. I am doing very well indeed compared to others. There but for the grace. Please note: That particular financial “ouch” of the medication “donut hole” continues. A continuing big “THANK YOU” to all who have and continue to share their experience, strength, hope, time and resources. Your time and gifts are, as always, greatly appreciated and needed. I so look forward to the day when I do not need to ask for assistance. This continues to be a very humbling experience. ***Please note that the 12/3/15 post in my blog is one which I encourage you to share freely.*** Please read and share my story. www.gofundme.com/j55wek

Weekend Update - 9/9/16

Two big events this week. The first is that I will talk with my surgeon early next week about the step(s) I need to take in regards to my thyroid. As far as I am concerned, hopefully none………..more will be revealed. A friend asked me how I feel. I will let you know next week. The other big event this week was going to my prostate cancer support group. The amount of information regarding the range of treatment alternatives can be over whelming. Good and necessary information but I have to sift through it to see what may apply to me now as well as to what may apply to me in the future. This was a reminder for me that I must not become lazy in taking good care of myself and staying informed about what current and future treatments are out there. A reminder to all the men folk to get to their doctors and have your prostate checked and get a PSA test. Did you know that African-American men are two times more likely to develop prostate cancer than any other race and they are much more likely to be diagnosed with prostate cancer than any other type of cancer? I encourage all men folk to educate themselves about this disease and share this information with family and friends. I am beginning to feel the financial insanity of being in the “donut hole” in regards to my medications. The cost of all of them has risen significantly, if not astronomically in some cases. The diabetes meds and supplies costs are out of control. The cost of a medication I must take to deal with the radiation proctitis is also quite insane. Life goes on and I am still grateful for the gift of perception. I am doing very well indeed compared to others. A continuing big “THANK YOU” to all who have shared their experience, strength, hope, time and resources. Your time and gifts are, as always, greatly appreciated and needed. I so look forward to the day when I do not need to ask for assistance. This continues to be a very humbling experience. ***Please note that the 12/3/15 post in my blog is one which I encourage you to share freely.*** Please read and share my story. www.gofundme.com/j55wek

Weekend Update - 9/4/16

Good news this week. My PSA test was (undetectable) great. My visit to the ENT doctor found that the tests/pictures of my vocal cords/throat were good enough. Now I wait too see what happens next. My hope is nothing other than we wait and see but as you all know I have no medical degree. More will be revealed. I am looking forward to the support group meeting this week. I must also say again how important to me my visits to the hospital have been. The reason being the gift of perception. Looking at the other patients continues to give me a deeper perception of just how well I am doing. There but for the grace go I. There have been times when putting one foot in front of the other has appeared to be the impossible dream, but walk on I have. My journey continues. I continue to be a grateful human being. A continuing big “THANK YOU” to all who have shared their experience, strength, hope, time and resources. Your time and gifts are, as always, greatly appreciated and needed. I so look forward to the day when I do not need to ask for assistance. This continues to be a very humbling experience. ***Please note that the 12/3/15 post in my blog is one which I encourage you to share freely.*** Please read and share my story. www.gofundme.com/j55wek

Weekend Update - 8/26/16

To live in a state of denial is, at times, a very comfortable place to be. This sums up my last week. I saw a couple of doctors and had some more blood work done. The blood work was great except for the thyroid. I am due to see the doctor who saved my life and the ENT doctor this week. I hope to receive more information and direction at that time. I must thank one of my doctors for thoroughly reviewing both her notes and the notes of my other doctors with me. It was a reality check for me in the sense of making me stop and own where I am in my treatment process. Suffice it to say there was no denial going on at the end of that doctor visit. However I am now comfortably ensconced in denial once more. I am looking forward to the upcoming cancer support group meeting. I continue to do my best in taking care of myself. I have done well this week. The gift of perception has also been prevalent this week. I am glad I had to visit the hospital several times this week. It was very good for me to get out to see and talk with other patients. I am going to add this. I do feel the insanity of the high cost of medications. This is really getting out of control. Things are still stretched more than ever at this time so I am asking all to please share my story once again emphasizing that no amount is too small and that $10.00 - $20.00 is better than $0 dollars. Every little bit helps. I am living month to month, and without the support I have received I would not still be living in my home. A continuing big “THANK YOU” to all who have shared their experience, strength, hope, time and resources. Your time and gifts are, as always, greatly appreciated and needed. I so look forward to the day when I do not need to ask for assistance. This continues to be a very humbling experience. ***Please note that the 12/3/15 post in my blog is one which I encourage you to share freely.*** Please read and share my story. www.gofundme.com/j55wek

Weekend Update - 8/19/16

This is one of those times I am tired. I am doing my best to put one foot in front of the other. I almost feel like I just do not want to know any more. I wish I could say something profound, enlightening or encouraging. I cannot right now. And that’s the way it is right here, right now. More doctor appointments this coming week. I have my ENT doctor appointment set for September 1st at the latest. I hope to have some answers regarding my thyroid issues in the coming weeks. I do know that things will change but right now it is what it is. Sometimes it just be that way. Things are still stretched more than ever at this time so I am asking all to please share my story once again emphasizing that no amount is too small and that $10.00 - $20.00 is better than $0 dollars. Every little bit helps. I am living month to month, and without the support I have received I would not still be living in my home. A continuing big “THANK YOU” to all who have shared their experience, strength, hope, time and resources. Your time and gifts are, as always, greatly appreciated and needed. I so look forward to the day when I do not need to ask for assistance. This continues to be a very humbling experience. ***Please note that the 12/3/15 post in my blog is one which I encourage you to share freely.*** Please read and share my story. www.gofundme.com/j55wek And read my blog at: riksjourney.blogspot.com

Weekend Update - 8/12/16

I am once again in p..p..p..process as the docs look at my neck and thyroid. There are some possible surgical complications concerning my voice (I sound like Harry Belafonte) due to previous neck surgeries. I am going to be seen by an ENT doctor to determine the next course of action with my surgeon. A possible MRI is also in my near future. And the bills go on and up. Please refer to the previous post for specifics. At this point I do not want to say more other than a continued thank you to all who continue to listen and be there for me. Please know that I am grateful and humbled by your support. Things are stretched more than ever at this time so I am asking all to please share my story once again emphasizing that no amount is too small and that $10.00 - $20.00 is better than $0 dollars. Every little bit helps. I am living month to month, and without the support I have received I would not still be living in my home. A continuing big “THANK YOU” to all who have shared their experience, strength, hope, time and resources. Your time and gifts are, as always, greatly appreciated and needed. I so look forward to the day when I do not need to ask for assistance. This continues to be a very humbling experience. ***Please note that the 12/3/15 post in my blog is one which I encourage you to share freely.*** Please read and share my story. www.gofundme.com/j55wek

Weekend Update - 8/5/16

I am back on the pre-surgery train. I am doing all I can to ready myself physically to make this event as much of a non-event as possible. The dates of tests/surgery will firm up following my appointment with my surgeon on the 11th of August. Someone asked me how I am feeling and, at the time, I honestly said I did not know. A few feelings going on now are fear, anxiousness, sadness, depression and oddly a sense of peace, calm and relief that they are finally going to get this last piece of cancer out of me… hopefully. So I continue to breathe in and out and am doing my best to not make any bad decisions. It is still amazing (and sickening) to me how much all of my medications and treatments are costing. Looking at the numbers I am grateful to be still treading water. This has been possible only due to the kindness and generosity of my family and friends. I am extremely humbled by your gifts and continued support. Thank you. However, as life goes on so do other bills as well. Having my toilet be in danger of falling through the floor is no fun and must be dealt with. I have just learned that mold has eaten away at my floor and subfloor and must be repaired before it collapses to the tune of $3000.00. The fact that I am in the Medicare “donut hole” regarding my medications is also not helping. Being asked to pay $398.00 for insulin sucks. Add to this another $168.00 for urostomy supplies and the increased costs of my other medications….. my limited options will almost certainly deepen my already considerable debt. When I look at the monetary costs of the diabetes and the urostomy and add to it the costs of this next thyroid surgery/treatments and my previous treatment/disability issues….. well these just add to the fun. Both my home and body need immediate treatment. Things are stretched more than ever at this time so I am asking all to please share my story once again emphasizing that no amount is too small and that $10.00 - $20.00 is better than $0 dollars. Every little bit helps. I am living month to month, and without the support I have received I would not still be living in my home. A continuing big “THANK YOU” to all who have shared their experience, strength, hope, time and resources. Your time and gifts are, as always, greatly appreciated and needed. I so look forward to the day when I do not need to ask for assistance. This continues to be a very humbling experience. ***Please note that the 12/3/15 post in my blog is one which I encourage you to share freely.*** Please read and share my story. www.gofundme.com/j55wek

Weekend Update - 7/29/16

My message this week? Never underestimate the power of denial, especially mine. As I have been sailing along these past months I was successful at putting a certain something out of my mind. I did this to the point of being somewhat shocked (with the resultant feelings) when said “thing” was once again brought to my attention in the doctors office this week. It’s not that I did not know about this eventuality. I had even discussed this “thing” with my support folks over the past sixteen months or so. However, I had very successfully pulled out my medical degree from the University of Denial and convinced myself that if said “thing” was going to take place, it would take place sometime in the very distant future. The doctor reminded me of the nodules in what remains of my thyroid gland. In short, they have grown and it just might be time to have them removed. My history with cancer, my families history of thyroid issues/cancer and the fact that there was a teeny tiny bit of cancer already in there dictate that it is off to the surgeon I go. I will see him within 2 weeks. Hopefully this will be an “in and out” surgery with no complications or further treatment necessary. However, I was reminded that there might have to be followup radiation. I really do not like talking about this but I also know me well enough to know I need to. Who knows? Maybe I can wait and watch some more. It might be that no followup treatments are needed. I dare to dream……. In the big scale of things this is really part of my new normal and is just another inconvenience. I must admit it did feel good to be able to distance myself from cancer for awhile. It was very refreshing. It is now time for me to show up and follow directions. I can’t wait for bills from this to roll in. I am also reminded that I am in the “donut hole” with my prescriptions. Diabetes is expensive as hell and I cannot play around with the dosages of my medications. I do hope that my story has helped at least one other human being out there to realize you are not alone. Once again … in closing, the reality of my financial situation continues to be what it is…. not good. I am asking all to give what you can and to remember that no amount is to small. Every little bit helps. I am living month to month, and without the support I have received I would not still be living in my home. It is still amazing (and sickening) to me how much all of my medications and treatments are costing. A continuing big “THANK YOU” to all who have shared their experience, strength, hope, time and resources. Your time and gifts are, as always, greatly appreciated and needed. I so look forward to the day when I do not need to ask for assistance. This continues to be a very humbling experience. ***Please note that the 12/3/15 post in my blog is one which I encourage you to share freely.*** Please read and share my story. www.gofundme.com/j55wek

Weekend Update - 7/22/16

Here I sit all broken hearted, came to #&*% but only farted. It’s been that kind of week. A good week with many laughs. I am coming to realize that I need to pay more attention to my ongoing care. There are a lot of opinions out there regarding cancer survivors. I am now more plugged in to that community and the amount of information is massive. In short, it’s time for me to take some things off of the “get around to it” list. This weeks mantra is more will be revealed. More will also be revealed as I see my endocrinologist this week and have some more blood work done. Happy happy joy joy. Once again … in closing, the reality of my financial situation continues to be what it is…. not good. I am asking all to give what you can and to remember that no amount is to small. Every little bit helps. I am living month to month, and without the support I have received I would not still be living in my home. It is still amazing (and sickening) to me how much all of my treatments are costing. A continuing big “THANK YOU” to all who have shared their experience, strength, hope, time and resources. Your time and gifts are, as always, greatly appreciated and needed. I so look forward to the day when I do not need to ask for assistance. This continues to be a very humbling experience. ***Please note that the 12/3/15 post in my blog is one which I encourage you to share freely.*** Please read and share my story. www.gofundme.com/j55wek

Weekend Update - 7/15/16

I continue to try to focus on what I am able to do. While my physical world has gotten smaller I am finding my spiritual world is slowly growing. I am reminded of all my ancestors have achieved. Their triumphs in the face of adversity I cannot begin to comprehend. The grace they displayed in life and my sadness that I am only now coming to acknowledge and appreciate. I remember my mother and father and look back at their battles with cancer. Their strength, courage and perseverance in living with their disease and the grace in which they left this life (in spite of it) are giving me the added courage, strength and perseverance to continue to live mine. I have been blessed to live in the age where survival from this disease is so much more common. I have been blessed to be one of those who has survived. I can only try my best to honor them in how well I live this “extra” life I have been given. My perspective has broadened which is good. Back in the physical world … this week has been more of the same. My body is now a science project. The outcome is steady, with a little dash of the unknown and more will be revealed thrown in for good measure. My love to you all. Once again … in closing, the reality of my financial situation continues to be what it is…. not good. I am asking all to give what you can and to remember that no amount is to small. Every little bit helps. I am living month to month, and without the support I have received I would not still be living in my home. It is still amazing (and sickening) to me how much all of my treatments are costing. A continuing big “THANK YOU” to all who have shared their experience, strength, hope, time and resources. Your time and gifts are, as always, greatly appreciated and needed. I so look forward to the day when I do not need to ask for assistance. This continues to be a very humbling experience. ***Please note that the 12/3/15 post in my blog is one which I encourage you to share freely.*** Please read and share my story. www.gofundme.com/j55wek And read my blog at: riksjourney.blogspot.com

Weekend Update - 7/8/16

I have been searching for ways to make my life more meaningful. This week has revealed a couple of ways my life is becoming more meaningful. The first revelation has been that helping others is good. The revelation for me was that I can be of help to others. I have to show up as much as possible and by doing so I am finding I have, in some small ways, been of assistance to others. My second revelation has been that even the picking up of one piece of trash can make a difference in peoples lives. The conversations I have had, and am having, with people continue to reveal to me how much in life we all take for granted, how much we accept trash and ugliness in the world because we choose to accept “that’s just the way it is” and/or “someone else will do that” and the sad realization that I/we are so depressed that we feel we do not deserve anything clean or “nice” and that “it just does not matter”. I might not be able to do much or do anything often but I can use the time I have in as positive a way as I can. My thanks to the folks in the prostate cancer support group. The gifts of information, support and perspective are much appreciated. Of course the added reminder that we do not do this alone and are not alone is also invaluable. Sometimes all I can do is laugh at the medical bills. This is one of those times………………………. Once again … in closing, the reality of my financial situation continues to be what it is…. not good. I am asking all to give what you can and to remember that no amount is to small. Every little bit helps. I am living month to month, and without the support I have received I would not still be living in my home. It is still amazing (and sickening) to me how much all of my treatments are costing. A continuing big “THANK YOU” to all who have shared their experience, strength, hope, time and resources. Your time and gifts are, as always, greatly appreciated and needed. ***Please note that the 12/3/15 post in my blog is one which I encourage you to share freely.*** Please read and share my story. www.gofundme.com/j55wek And read my blog at: riksjourney.blogspot.com

Weekend Update - 7/1/16

Life goes on and I am trying my best to move along with it. I am struggling with my limitations (old and new) as I attempt to live my life as I once was able. I was, once again, reminded this week of why I was put on disability years ago before my journey with cancer was even a thought. I am grateful for the encouragement I continue to receive to live the best possible life I can live. I must also say, especially to myself, that there are some changes which have occurred and I need to respect the limitations I have so I do not turn them into even more limitations. I will use the spoon theory a friend of mine shared with me awhile ago. I wake up in the morning and I start the day with ten spoons. My process of waking up and getting out of bed uses up three spoons as I have some minor paralysis issues in the morning. I am now out of bed. Cleaning me up for the day and making breakfast uses one spoon. Most mornings I am able to go for a walk and do some light physical exercises which uses up 3 spoons. I then make lunch, rest a bit and do house keeping chores as I can which consumes 2 spoons. Please note that I no longer take doing the laundry, cleaning the kitchen/bathroom/house for granted. I am extremely grateful for the ability to still be able to do the chores I can. I am writing a bit and sharing my opinion(s) with friends and the world which is a freebee in my day. I will try to walk a bit and again do some very light exercises which uses up another spoon or so. I then fix some dinner and clean up the house as I can. Another spoon used. Some relaxing and off to bed I go. A freebee for me. As you have probably noticed I have used more than ten spoons. I make adjustments daily and some days I have an extra spoon or so and other days I begin wth only eight spoons. This is especially so when I attempt to do “extra” activities. The reality of doing those extra activities is vital to me in order to maintain some level of sanity. I must respect the spoons. I must also add that I will never take going to the bathroom as I choose for granted again. Also, I will never look at being able to walk up or down a flight of steps or walk on uneven ground without falling for granted again. Please know that I am doing all in my power to live as fully as I can. This extra time I have been given is a gift and I will continue to treat it as such. I get by with a little, and sometimes a lot of, help from my friends. As usual more doctors and some blood work that isn’t quite right but all is well. Once again … in closing, the reality of my financial situation continues to be what it is…. not good. I am asking all to give what you can and to remember that no amount is to small. Every little bit helps. I am living month to month, and without the support I have received I would not still be living in my home. It is still amazing (and sickening) to me how much all of my treatments are costing. A continuing big “THANK YOU” to all who have shared their experience, strength, hope, time and resources. Your time and gifts are, as always, greatly appreciated and needed. ***Please note that the 12/3/15 post in my blog is one which I encourage you to share freely.*** Please read and share my story. www.gofundme.com/j55wek

Weekend Update - 6/24/16

More good news. Blood work and and all else looking good for now. I believe I have finally reached the point where I can move forward without constantly looking over my shoulder for an “illness” of some kind tripping me up. While I am not “well”, I am “well” enough to be here for the foreseeable future. Much more “extra time” for me. Granted my new normal entails many “regular” doctor/lab/test visits but with the new idea of these being normal (for me) visits and not “WTF” visits. I am a much relieved and happy man. Full speed ahead with the volunteer work and my community beautification efforts. It does feel very good to have some sense of doing something meaningful in the world. I am still adjusting to my limitations wit my customary “Oh I should not have done that” lessons. As one of my great physical therapist said over and over to me….. “Slow and steady wins the race” - which was followed by “Pain is not a sign to keep on going”. I still need to hear this on a daily basis. Once again … in closing, the reality of my financial situation continues to be what it is…. not good. I am asking all to give what you can and to remember that no amount is to small. Every little bit helps. I am living month to month, and without the support I have received I would not still be living in my home. It is still amazing (and sickening) to me how much all of my treatments are costing. A continuing big “THANK YOU” to all who have shared their experience, strength, hope, time and resources. Your time and gifts are, as always, greatly appreciated and needed. ***Please note that the 12/3/15 post in my blog is one which I encourage you to share freely.*** Please read and share my story. www.gofundme.com/j55wek

Weekend Update - 6/17/16

Good news! There is really no new news! Life goes on. I continue to breath in and out, walk regularly, eat healthily (95% of the time) and do my best to follow doctors orders. Medications …. taking the ones that matter as directed. I am now going to a cancer support group, volunteering and have decided on my “special” project. Said project being picking up litter as I walk in the parks and on the beltline. Of course there will be recycling along with the trash removal. What has spurred this project is the need to do something meaningful with the extra life I have been gifted. And looking at the amount of trash I see as I walk is disgusting at times. I believe the world would be a better place if folks would stop and pick up even a single piece of litter as they frolic in the parks and on the beltline as well as anywhere else they are. This is something I feel I am capable of doing even given my physical limitations. It is good to begin to feel I am contributing something positive in the world. More doctors appointments next week with hopefully no news of concern. Once again … in closing, the reality of my financial situation continues to be what it is…. not good. I am asking all to give what you can and to remember that no amount is to small. Every little bit helps. I am living month to month, and without the support I have received I would not still be living in my home. It is still amazing (and sickening) to me how much all of my treatments are costing. A continuing big “THANK YOU” to all who have shared their experience, strength, hope, time and resources. Your time and gifts are, as always, greatly appreciated and needed. ***Please note that the 12/3/15 post in my blog is one which I encourage you to share freely.*** Please read and share my story. www.gofundme.com/j55wek And read my blog at: riksjourney.blogspot.com

Weekend Update - 6/10/16

I am beginning to find out what my “normal” day to day life will look like. My energy level is up consistently now and the need to get “out and about” doing something has greatly increased. Conversely, I am finding it more difficult to be homebound and a few instances of “cabin fever” have occurred over this past week. I am finding out where more and more “good” bathrooms are in my travels. I am also investigating new ways to keep meaningfully occupied. This part is harder than it looks. In other news… I am now officially in the “donut hole” in regards to my medication insurance. The hole is the point where my insurance goes “away” until I pay “X” amount of dollars for meds until it kicks in again. I must say I am appalled at the “new” cost of the meds I have to take and have had to make “adjustments” to my some of my medications. Please note that I am following directions (thanks mama G) and asking for assistance from the docs/bigpharma. Sometimes you have to do what you have to do. Life does go on. Mine is, and for that I am so very very grateful. Once again … in closing, the reality of my financial situation continues to be what it is…. not good. I am asking all to give what you can and to remember that no amount is to small. Every little bit helps. I am living month to month, and without the support I have received I would not still be living in my home. It is still amazing (and sickening) to me how much all of my treatments are costing. A continuing big “THANK YOU” to all who have shared their experience, strength, hope, time and resources. Your time and gifts are, as always, greatly appreciated and needed. ***Please note that the 12/3/15 post in my blog is one which I encourage you to share freely.*** Please read and share my story. www.gofundme.com/j55wek

Weekend Update - 6/3/16

This was a week where I have decided to issue my mini manifesto regarding medical bills, the time it takes to be billed for any medical visit and ask some questions about the amount billed for some visits/procedures/tests. Before I go there I have to say I am feeling much better and it has been a pleasant surprise that a medication prescribed actually worked. In other words I have a new life now that I am able go to the bathroom mostly when I choose to and when I go it is not a major event like the Super bowl. I sound like such an old man. I now know why a lot of “old people” talk an awful lot about their bodily functions. I am profoundly aware of how much I took for granted the most basic of bodily functions. Some of you know of what I speak. Now, on to my mini “manifesto” or my “wish in one hand…” diatribe regarding paying for services in the healthcare system and the healthcare system itself. I have a dream. A dream where you will be correctly billed within 30 days of the date of whatever visit/procedure/tests you received. Of course said bill(s) would clearly delineate exactly what you are being billed for. Also it would be nice to pay ONE bill and not five or more. [note: of course I also hope to see a national health plan (medical - dental - eye - mental health) before I go] Needless to say, my dream healthcare system would end the “fee for service” and “for profit” nightmare of a system which exists now. Waiting 6-9 months or more to see what I will have to pay and, at times, finding out you do owe something by receiving a “final notice” letter in the mail does not a happy patient make. In other words it does nothing to help your recovery and, in point of fact, inhibits the rate of said recovery. Being ill is hard enough without having to navigate the myriad payment systems currently in place. I have learned that there are some very great people who work in the system now. My eternal gratitude to those who have assisted me as I have and as I continue to navigate this healthcare system. Once again … in closing, the reality of my financial situation continues to be what it is…. not good. I am asking all to give what you can and to remember that no amount is to small. Every little bit helps. I am living month to month, and without the support I have received I would not still be living in my home. It is still amazing (and sickening) to me how much all of my treatments are costing. A continuing big “THANK YOU” to all who have shared their experience, strength, hope, time and resources. Your time and gifts are, as always, greatly appreciated and needed. ***Please note that the 12/3/15 post in my blog is one which I encourage you to share freely.*** Please read and share my story. www.gofundme.com/j55wek

Weekend Update - 5/27/16

This week I was reminded (again) that I am not a doctor. *Please note that I am officially throwing my MD degree in the trash. My “new normal” will, for now, include stepped up testing with a possibility of having a “colon blow III” procedure if warranted. Rest assured I am doing all in my power to make very sure that this is not the case. The current “issue” on the front burner are the side effects of radiation colitis. After seeing the doctor this week I was reminded (again) that I just might want to shut up and follow directions. Blood in the stool, etc is not to be taken lightly. More blood tests and doctor/nurse appointments with possibly another visit to the hospital. Move over thyroid there is a new sheriff in town. It does feel good to be somewhat “free” and I am on a mission to make the most out of the time I have been blessed with. In other words I am doing my best to enjoy the gifts I have and to laugh as much as possible. I got some more bills and I am laughing my ass off. I am also being mature and responsible, which while a little boring, is a lot better than feeling crazy, irresponsible and an depressed. Here’s to doing the right thing and telling my illnesses to get lost. Did you note what clean language I just used. It is good to be able to look forward with positive expectations. I am extremely humbled by the love and support I have received. Thank you. Once again … in closing, the reality of my financial situation continues to be what it is…. not good. I am asking all to give what you can and to remember that no amount is to small. Every little bit helps. I am living month to month, and without the support I have received I would not still be living in my home. It is still amazing (and sickening) to me how much all of my treatments are costing. A continuing big “THANK YOU” to all who have shared their experience, strength, hope, time and resources. Your time and gifts are, as always, greatly appreciated and needed. ***Please note that the 12/3/15 post in my blog is one which I encourage you to share freely.*** Please read and share my story. www.gofundme.com/j55wek

Weekend Update - 5/20/16

News of note this week…… I am not a doctor nor should I attempt to play one. My rollercoaster week ending today is below………. I saw my primary care doctor earlier this week and she quietly suggested that I might want to pump my brakes a little bit about what course of action to take regarding my thyroid gland. I, of course, had decided that “nothing needs to be done at this time” based on my infinite medical knowledge. I also based this decision on the fact that I am tired. I am tired of having my world revolve around my medical issues. These last couple of years have been nothing but various tests/scans, operations and doctor/nurse visits. As I look back at this past week I can see I got a little ahead of myself once again. I actually began to feel really happy about what the future holds for me. Maybe a little too happy at times. I became very excited at the possible “end” of this chapter in my life. Said chapter being where my life revolved around doctor and hospital visits with the themes being “this (cancer) is not over yet” and/or due to “the cancer and/or the procedures/treatments for my disease we now need to do “this” to your body with the possible side effects which might indicate we now have to do “this” …. etc. etc. etc. etc. Add on the depression about all of this and I am tired and overwhelmed. I am tired and ashamed at having to ask for help. The overwhelming costs of these so far and the unknown costs of future visits/procedures in the pipeline …. well they are overwhelming and I am in need of a break. I am tired. The reality is that I will be responsible and I will take the most mature and responsible actions deemed necessary in consultation with my medical team. Through all of this I am doing my best to “act as if” things and me are going to be alright. I am extremely grateful for the gifts of time and resources I have received. There is no way I could have walked this journey on my own. And re-reading about my past week above … I believe I deserve the May 2016 “Mental Masturbation” award. Wow. Well OK then ….. and here I am today, Friday, May 20th. I talked to the doctor today and we reviewed my last thyroid ultrasound and (drumroll please) the recommendation is to check this out about a year from now. I am done, for now, with more upcoming “medical events”!!! I am free. I can say cancer can suck it! For the first time in two years my future does not include planning on time spent in hospital and/or recovering from some test/procedure or having to look forward to the medical bills associated with all of these things. I am free. Now I can begin to decide what to do with myself and my life. Of course there will be challenges ahead. But it is good to feel that the mountain I have been climbing has stopped rising. I am going to do my best to enjoy this. I thank you all for letting me know I am not alone and doing so in ways where even an old man like me has to admit I am wanted, needed, expected and loved. Once again … in closing, the reality of my financial situation continues to be what it is…. not good. I am asking all to give what you can and to remember that no amount is to small. Every little bit helps. I am living month to month, and without the support I have received I would not still be living in my home. It is still amazing (and sickening) to me how much all of my treatments are costing. A continuing big “THANK YOU” to all who have shared their experience, strength, hope, time and resources. Your time and gifts are, as always, greatly appreciated and needed. ***Please note that the 12/3/15 post in my blog is one which I encourage you to share freely.*** Please read and share my story. www.gofundme.com/j55wek And read my blog at: riksjourney.blogspot.com

Reflections on my life so far........5/13/16

The following is a result of my relationship with cancer and how this has allowed me to pause and reflect on how I got where I am today. The following has been written over the past year and half. I am "letting this go" now as I have been told by multiple people it is time to share this. My hope is that someone somewhere will find this beneficial. Why I believe what I believe ... or how the hell I got right where I am now. I am a child of the church. I was an acolyte, confirmed, etc etc. I was a child filled with guilt because I knew I was different at a very early age (7 years old). Said difference being I was gay. I did not have a full understanding of what this meant other than I could never, never never, let anyone find out. And because I knew that God already was aware of this fact, I believed I was damned and destined to burn in the eternal fires of hell. I also knew I was never going to be a “joiner”. I was aware of the fact that I would follow my own path. This has been lonely at times but I also felt I was never alone. When you come to believe that you are doomed ... looking at the future is not much of an option, so I lived my life from this moment on living in the moment and not giving much, if any, thought about my future. I had already figured out that while I did dream about becoming a veterinarian, I could never accomplish this goal due to who and what I was. That being a “bad” human being who was a mistake. And God does not tolerate mistakes. I believed that anything I would accomplish would be taken from me and I, of course, would be alone because who, on this earth, could love me with me being the mistake that I was. This included my family as well as friends. I always maintained a distance because I was terrified that if they were to find out my “truth” I would be abandoned which would only confirm my deepest fears. Now there were good people in my life, especially my family. But I believed I could not trust them with my truth. In short this led me to a life of doing those things which would keep me comfortably numb. Those things being sex, alcohol and drugs. This led me to be an asshole to my family and to treat those around me in ways which would keep them from getting too close to me so they would not find out who and what I really was. I became a self-centered and deeply paranoid human being. I was 12 years old when my father died of brain cancer. This only confirmed to me that God had it in for me and, of course, being the scumbag I was, I deserved to have him taken from me. My use of alcohol and drugs escalated as did my “behavior” problems which involved the police and resulted in my family doing their best to place me in a “safe environment” where it was hoped I would get my act together. I became more isolated and during these years I “faked it” to make it. I did what I thought would please my family but deep down I knew I was doomed and my life was pointless. I knew I was and would be a disappointment to everyone, especially my mother and grandmother. This ripped me apart inside and the guilt and shame I felt I also “knew” I deserved due to me being me. I went places and did things for which I believe there is no forgiveness. I am still struggling with my actions and the concept of forgiveness as well as why I continue to survive. I ignored my family and pushed them further away. I became schizophrenic in the sense that I became three different people. I was the person who showed up sporadically around my family. I was the person who became a professional social worker. And last, but not least, I was the alcoholic, drug addicted, gay man who lived to use and get laid and used and got laid to live. During these times I avoided anything to do with faith and/or God to the best of my abilities. I must add that my abilities in this regard were quite outstanding. The result of my actions landed me in the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous where I was reintroduced to the concept of a power greater than myself who was not out to get me. I am very grateful to the Twelve Steps of N.A. as they provided the tools and materials for the ladder I was able to build which allowed me climb out of the pit of despair I had made of my life. I spent twelve years being an active part of the fellowship of N.A. For this, as I stated earlier I am profoundly grateful. I am going to share a few “truths” that have saved me from feeling a lot of pain. Just some sayings/mantras that have proven invaluable to me over the years. None of these are “original”. I have heard versions of these all of my life. But like any good human being, I had to hear them repeatedly and deal with a lot of pain before implementing them into my life so my behaviors could begin to change. * Lessons are repeated until learned. * Don’t pole vault over mouse turds. * Everybody has a God and you are not it. * Wish in one hand and crap in the other and see what you get first. * Spiritual principles are never in conflict with one another. * You never know what is going to happen. * Being teachable is your greatest strength. * We human beings have the attention span of a gnat, so when you think you know yo just might want to slow your role. My experience in N. A. re-introduced me to the concept of spiritual principals and a re-examination of the nature of faith. This led to my introduction to the powers that be and how those powers have always been a part of my life because I am a part of said powers. The belief of my ancestors that we are all related is one of the spiritual truths I have come to believe in. I have also come to believe that what I believe is what I believe because of my own personal journey and this may or may not be of service or solace to you. I do believe that if a human being is living by spiritual principles, ie., unconditional love, and the spiritual principles of doing no harm and treating others as you would have them treat you... this does not fit with a person being a racist, sexist and/or homophobic human being. Spiritual principles are never in conflict. And if you are practicing racism, sexism, homophobia, xenophobia or feel you are somehow better than another human being … you are not practicing any spiritual principle I am aware of because those “isms” by their very nature bring you into conflict with others. Not to mention what they reveal about how you feel and treat yourself. How arrogant of some human beings to expect “God” to reveal her/himself in the same way to everyone…..or even to reveal anything at all. Add to this that there might not be anything out there anyway. To me none of this matters. I have lived the life I have and I believe what I believe as a result of my own experiences. What is important is how you live your life. And if you follow the golden rule to do unto others as you would have them do unto you and live to do no harm then I believe you can’t do much better than that. I am going to share several experiences I have had during my life. Please know that I share these in the hope that my experience may be of service and solace to someone out there. And in no way shape or form am I recommending anyone should follow in my footsteps. This is my story and the resultant truths I have found as of this date. When I was a child (ages 6 - 12) I spent many late nights alone looking out of my bedroom window. My window,2 and 1/2 stories up, overlooked our backyard, the alley which ran behind our house, my neighborhood (I could view several streets) and the great mystery of the train trestle that ran high on the border of our neighborhood. I would watch and listen to the trains almost every night. The sounds of trains and their whistles brings a deep peace to me to this day. I would imagine where they were going and told myself that one day I would travel the world and of course have great adventures. There were several moments during these years that I would “open myself up” to what I can only describe as the arms of mother earth. I would feel a deep peace and knew with certainty I was going to be OK because I was connected to all things. It was during these years I spent many days with my grandmother. She had the most serene backyard where there was a garden and many flower beds. Being on your knees, having your hands in the earth and bringing forth life was a balm to my young soul. The yard was like wild kingdom in that the animals and birds in the area knew they had a safe haven in which to live and multiply. This was the other place in which I felt safe and at peace and would open myself up to mother earth. These two “grounding experiences” provided me with a sense of connection to something greater than myself and an anchor in the storms of my later life. There were many years {What I refer to as the “dark years” from ages 13 - 34} when I was so disconnected and altered (yep…drunk and high) I believe I only survived due the grace which the Mother gives to all creation. Or, I am just a lucky fellow. Due to the amount of absolute insanity in my life I am going with option #1. And I will say it again. The fact I am alive and not in prison or a nursing home is proof enough for me that option #1 it is. I got clean when I was 34 years old. This was a result of way to many drugs and resultant poor decisions on my part. I had “job issues” due to my using and moved to Richmond, VA to take another position. My using continued and I found myself living in a small apartment, which I referred to as my fortress of solitude. In other words … please stay away from me. I had a bad flashback {It is not good to watch pencils moving like snakes, the walls/doors breathing and a co-workers face melt} in a meeting at work. As a result I went home and again considered suicide. I was depressed, paranoid and thought God had finally caught up with me to send me to the eternal fires of damnation. I was not a well human being. I did possess a handgun and on that Saturday morning decided to get some more heroin, get high and blow my brains out. This was a very logical thought to me at this moment in time. And, of course, being the horrible human being I was I deserved this outcome. There then came a knock on my door (and at that time nobody knocked on my door) and it was my brother, whom I had had no contact with for over a year, with a couple of friends who were white and looked like narcs. My brother assured me that they were cool and he was here to help me out. His friends looked freaked out. There was drug paraphernalia and my weapon showing so I chalked their looks at me up to that. I was “in need” of a fix so when he said I know where to go I went with him and his friends. They took me to a union meeting hall and said they would be right back but I was welcome to come in. This ended up being a Narcotics Anonymous literature committee meeting where they were reviewing changes to the Basic Text book of N.A. After asking a couple of people who came outside to smoke where I could score, which looking back, freaked them out a little I began to get mad and went inside to downstairs to where they were meeting. It was the craziest group of people I had ever seen in one room. Different ages, races and persuasions. I then got a little freaked out and called my brother over who once again assured me that I would be taken care of. In my mind that meant I was going to get my drugs. I was asked if I wanted to sit down and for some reason I did. they were passing the book around and everyone took a turn to read a few paragraphs and some discussion would take place. I was itching (if you know what I mean) and had no idea as to who these people were other than they all looked like people who could be “cool”. So … I stayed and read a couple of times as the book was passed around. Some of what I read caused me some concern because this book referred to some of my “secrets”. The meeting ended and, after what seemed an eternity, I was told we would go take care of me. I got in the car and we went to another part of town. When we rolled up in front of a church I “quietly” got a little paranoid but was once again assured I would be taken care of. I had not set foot in a church for many many years. I did have a fear of being struck by the hand of God if I were to put a foot inside the door. I once again stayed outside waiting and as people went in and out I asked a few folks where I could score. A few ran from me, most did not respond and a few asked me to come inside. Finally my brother came outside and asked med to come in and told me I would be OK if I did. I interpreted this to mean I would finally get my fix. I went down the stairs and into the parish hall where, I was to find out, there was a N.A. speaker meeting, dinner and dance. I had no idea what these things were and somehow ended up being taken back to my apartment at 1:30 AM where one of my brothers friends gave me his copy of the basic text and a local meeting schedule. He told me I might want to read the book and go to few meetings. He asked that if I decided not to if I would please return the book to him via my brother. I agreed to this. They all hugged me and left. There were also a lot of hugs at both N.A. events. The hugs were very strange at the time. My question was what did they really want because no one I knew did something for nothing. I did read the book that morning. And after checking the meeting schedule, found that I was living within a few blocks or less of N.A. meetings which took place every day. The book really made me paranoid. It was as if someone had pulled all of my secrets out of my head and written them down for all to see. My detox was very mild and I cleaned up. Part of this process was working the twelve steps with a sponsor. I got one or I should say one got me. The first week I was clean I was told I needed a sponsor and this guy told me he would be it. We immediately started writing my first step. A few weeks later I went to my first N.A. convention. In the mountains of West Virginia I did my third step. The following is what I experienced. I was still in somewhat of a haze and did have some reservations about staying clean as well as who exactly were these people and what did they really want from me. My sponsor walked me up the side of a mountain and under a small group of large pine trees that overlooked the convention site we sat down to share my third step. There were worksheets for each step and I had written answers to all the questions on my worksheets. The third step of Narcotics Anonymous: We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him. As I read my answers to the worksheet questions we came to one part where it asked me to describe the God of my understanding. My answer was what I referred to earlier. The concept of an earth mother or great mystery. I also stated that there may be nothing out there,and if there was, I figured I was doomed anyway so what did it matter. Well this led to an intense discussion ending when my sponsor asked me several times loudly if I really believed what I had told him. I cried a little and he walked off. This was about 3:30 in the afternoon. I became very angry and looked up at the trees and across the mountains. I looked down on the convention site where I could see people wandering about. I then looked up and told “God” in no uncertain terms that if he or she wanted me to stay here you had better show me something or I am leaving, going home, getting high and blowing my brains out. There was a lot of bad language used on my part. But I did open myself up to whatever was out there. I then laid back against one of the pine trees and woke up about 8:45 pm. The following is what I experienced during that time. I remember “being picked up” and knowing that I was a part of everything. I felt/knew I was a hawk. I could feel the wind in my feathers as I flew over a great sea of grass and on over hills with a few trees and into and over mountains. From the mountains I flew higher and higher until I was out in the cosmos and knew with a certainty that I was a part of all creation. I was and am, star stuff. I believe we all are. We are all related. We are all one. When I woke up I knew I was in the right place but have never written about this experience until now. I have only shared this with four human beings. I am writing this now for a good friend who is one of the bravest human beings I know and who is showing me a new depth of courage. I have had three other notable experiences. All while participating in native ceremonies. One during a sweat lodge where I was reminded again of my profound connection to life. A time where I knew I was not alone and there was more for me to do. Another during a dance where I knew my father danced with me. I could feel his presence for many hours as the ceremony went on. I was twelve years old when he died and this has helped me greatly come to peace with his passing. I have serious mobility issues and a healing ceremony was held for me. All I can say is I am able to move as a result of this. I felt and saw things during the ceremony and I believe in the experience I had. I cannot pretend any of the above experiences did not happen or rationalize away these experiences. They are my truth and mine alone. I am reminded once again of how much I do not know. What a great peace this gives me. From the little boy sitting in his bedroom window … to the boy playing in his grandmothers backyard … to the man who survived his dark years …to the man who cleaned up … to the man who lived and learned to love and found he was loved … to the man who found that cancer was not a death sentence but a new lease on life … and to this man, here now, at this moment in time who is so grateful to have lived his life … and finally to cancer… the disease which has given me new life and shown me how kind, forgiving and loving we human beings can be and taught me we do not do life alone. I must also say that therapy is good. For me it was also necessary and I highly recommend it. You can’t have your head removed from your rectum too often. I am at a point in my life where I am finally willing to sit down and review these parts of my time here on earth. This is the stuff I have been very uncomfortable with because I was worried what others would think. To be 62 years old and finally realize that it really does not matter what anyone else thinks. This is my life and my truth and yet there is still to be so much more revealed. I look forward to tomorrow. UPDATE - 5/11/16 Now I have had my second “extra” birthday and am 63 years old. More will be revealed.