Reflections on my life so far........5/13/16

The following is a result of my relationship with cancer and how this has allowed me to pause and reflect on how I got where I am today. The following has been written over the past year and half. I am "letting this go" now as I have been told by multiple people it is time to share this. My hope is that someone somewhere will find this beneficial. Why I believe what I believe ... or how the hell I got right where I am now. I am a child of the church. I was an acolyte, confirmed, etc etc. I was a child filled with guilt because I knew I was different at a very early age (7 years old). Said difference being I was gay. I did not have a full understanding of what this meant other than I could never, never never, let anyone find out. And because I knew that God already was aware of this fact, I believed I was damned and destined to burn in the eternal fires of hell. I also knew I was never going to be a “joiner”. I was aware of the fact that I would follow my own path. This has been lonely at times but I also felt I was never alone. When you come to believe that you are doomed ... looking at the future is not much of an option, so I lived my life from this moment on living in the moment and not giving much, if any, thought about my future. I had already figured out that while I did dream about becoming a veterinarian, I could never accomplish this goal due to who and what I was. That being a “bad” human being who was a mistake. And God does not tolerate mistakes. I believed that anything I would accomplish would be taken from me and I, of course, would be alone because who, on this earth, could love me with me being the mistake that I was. This included my family as well as friends. I always maintained a distance because I was terrified that if they were to find out my “truth” I would be abandoned which would only confirm my deepest fears. Now there were good people in my life, especially my family. But I believed I could not trust them with my truth. In short this led me to a life of doing those things which would keep me comfortably numb. Those things being sex, alcohol and drugs. This led me to be an asshole to my family and to treat those around me in ways which would keep them from getting too close to me so they would not find out who and what I really was. I became a self-centered and deeply paranoid human being. I was 12 years old when my father died of brain cancer. This only confirmed to me that God had it in for me and, of course, being the scumbag I was, I deserved to have him taken from me. My use of alcohol and drugs escalated as did my “behavior” problems which involved the police and resulted in my family doing their best to place me in a “safe environment” where it was hoped I would get my act together. I became more isolated and during these years I “faked it” to make it. I did what I thought would please my family but deep down I knew I was doomed and my life was pointless. I knew I was and would be a disappointment to everyone, especially my mother and grandmother. This ripped me apart inside and the guilt and shame I felt I also “knew” I deserved due to me being me. I went places and did things for which I believe there is no forgiveness. I am still struggling with my actions and the concept of forgiveness as well as why I continue to survive. I ignored my family and pushed them further away. I became schizophrenic in the sense that I became three different people. I was the person who showed up sporadically around my family. I was the person who became a professional social worker. And last, but not least, I was the alcoholic, drug addicted, gay man who lived to use and get laid and used and got laid to live. During these times I avoided anything to do with faith and/or God to the best of my abilities. I must add that my abilities in this regard were quite outstanding. The result of my actions landed me in the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous where I was reintroduced to the concept of a power greater than myself who was not out to get me. I am very grateful to the Twelve Steps of N.A. as they provided the tools and materials for the ladder I was able to build which allowed me climb out of the pit of despair I had made of my life. I spent twelve years being an active part of the fellowship of N.A. For this, as I stated earlier I am profoundly grateful. I am going to share a few “truths” that have saved me from feeling a lot of pain. Just some sayings/mantras that have proven invaluable to me over the years. None of these are “original”. I have heard versions of these all of my life. But like any good human being, I had to hear them repeatedly and deal with a lot of pain before implementing them into my life so my behaviors could begin to change. * Lessons are repeated until learned. * Don’t pole vault over mouse turds. * Everybody has a God and you are not it. * Wish in one hand and crap in the other and see what you get first. * Spiritual principles are never in conflict with one another. * You never know what is going to happen. * Being teachable is your greatest strength. * We human beings have the attention span of a gnat, so when you think you know yo just might want to slow your role. My experience in N. A. re-introduced me to the concept of spiritual principals and a re-examination of the nature of faith. This led to my introduction to the powers that be and how those powers have always been a part of my life because I am a part of said powers. The belief of my ancestors that we are all related is one of the spiritual truths I have come to believe in. I have also come to believe that what I believe is what I believe because of my own personal journey and this may or may not be of service or solace to you. I do believe that if a human being is living by spiritual principles, ie., unconditional love, and the spiritual principles of doing no harm and treating others as you would have them treat you... this does not fit with a person being a racist, sexist and/or homophobic human being. Spiritual principles are never in conflict. And if you are practicing racism, sexism, homophobia, xenophobia or feel you are somehow better than another human being … you are not practicing any spiritual principle I am aware of because those “isms” by their very nature bring you into conflict with others. Not to mention what they reveal about how you feel and treat yourself. How arrogant of some human beings to expect “God” to reveal her/himself in the same way to everyone…..or even to reveal anything at all. Add to this that there might not be anything out there anyway. To me none of this matters. I have lived the life I have and I believe what I believe as a result of my own experiences. What is important is how you live your life. And if you follow the golden rule to do unto others as you would have them do unto you and live to do no harm then I believe you can’t do much better than that. I am going to share several experiences I have had during my life. Please know that I share these in the hope that my experience may be of service and solace to someone out there. And in no way shape or form am I recommending anyone should follow in my footsteps. This is my story and the resultant truths I have found as of this date. When I was a child (ages 6 - 12) I spent many late nights alone looking out of my bedroom window. My window,2 and 1/2 stories up, overlooked our backyard, the alley which ran behind our house, my neighborhood (I could view several streets) and the great mystery of the train trestle that ran high on the border of our neighborhood. I would watch and listen to the trains almost every night. The sounds of trains and their whistles brings a deep peace to me to this day. I would imagine where they were going and told myself that one day I would travel the world and of course have great adventures. There were several moments during these years that I would “open myself up” to what I can only describe as the arms of mother earth. I would feel a deep peace and knew with certainty I was going to be OK because I was connected to all things. It was during these years I spent many days with my grandmother. She had the most serene backyard where there was a garden and many flower beds. Being on your knees, having your hands in the earth and bringing forth life was a balm to my young soul. The yard was like wild kingdom in that the animals and birds in the area knew they had a safe haven in which to live and multiply. This was the other place in which I felt safe and at peace and would open myself up to mother earth. These two “grounding experiences” provided me with a sense of connection to something greater than myself and an anchor in the storms of my later life. There were many years {What I refer to as the “dark years” from ages 13 - 34} when I was so disconnected and altered (yep…drunk and high) I believe I only survived due the grace which the Mother gives to all creation. Or, I am just a lucky fellow. Due to the amount of absolute insanity in my life I am going with option #1. And I will say it again. The fact I am alive and not in prison or a nursing home is proof enough for me that option #1 it is. I got clean when I was 34 years old. This was a result of way to many drugs and resultant poor decisions on my part. I had “job issues” due to my using and moved to Richmond, VA to take another position. My using continued and I found myself living in a small apartment, which I referred to as my fortress of solitude. In other words … please stay away from me. I had a bad flashback {It is not good to watch pencils moving like snakes, the walls/doors breathing and a co-workers face melt} in a meeting at work. As a result I went home and again considered suicide. I was depressed, paranoid and thought God had finally caught up with me to send me to the eternal fires of damnation. I was not a well human being. I did possess a handgun and on that Saturday morning decided to get some more heroin, get high and blow my brains out. This was a very logical thought to me at this moment in time. And, of course, being the horrible human being I was I deserved this outcome. There then came a knock on my door (and at that time nobody knocked on my door) and it was my brother, whom I had had no contact with for over a year, with a couple of friends who were white and looked like narcs. My brother assured me that they were cool and he was here to help me out. His friends looked freaked out. There was drug paraphernalia and my weapon showing so I chalked their looks at me up to that. I was “in need” of a fix so when he said I know where to go I went with him and his friends. They took me to a union meeting hall and said they would be right back but I was welcome to come in. This ended up being a Narcotics Anonymous literature committee meeting where they were reviewing changes to the Basic Text book of N.A. After asking a couple of people who came outside to smoke where I could score, which looking back, freaked them out a little I began to get mad and went inside to downstairs to where they were meeting. It was the craziest group of people I had ever seen in one room. Different ages, races and persuasions. I then got a little freaked out and called my brother over who once again assured me that I would be taken care of. In my mind that meant I was going to get my drugs. I was asked if I wanted to sit down and for some reason I did. they were passing the book around and everyone took a turn to read a few paragraphs and some discussion would take place. I was itching (if you know what I mean) and had no idea as to who these people were other than they all looked like people who could be “cool”. So … I stayed and read a couple of times as the book was passed around. Some of what I read caused me some concern because this book referred to some of my “secrets”. The meeting ended and, after what seemed an eternity, I was told we would go take care of me. I got in the car and we went to another part of town. When we rolled up in front of a church I “quietly” got a little paranoid but was once again assured I would be taken care of. I had not set foot in a church for many many years. I did have a fear of being struck by the hand of God if I were to put a foot inside the door. I once again stayed outside waiting and as people went in and out I asked a few folks where I could score. A few ran from me, most did not respond and a few asked me to come inside. Finally my brother came outside and asked med to come in and told me I would be OK if I did. I interpreted this to mean I would finally get my fix. I went down the stairs and into the parish hall where, I was to find out, there was a N.A. speaker meeting, dinner and dance. I had no idea what these things were and somehow ended up being taken back to my apartment at 1:30 AM where one of my brothers friends gave me his copy of the basic text and a local meeting schedule. He told me I might want to read the book and go to few meetings. He asked that if I decided not to if I would please return the book to him via my brother. I agreed to this. They all hugged me and left. There were also a lot of hugs at both N.A. events. The hugs were very strange at the time. My question was what did they really want because no one I knew did something for nothing. I did read the book that morning. And after checking the meeting schedule, found that I was living within a few blocks or less of N.A. meetings which took place every day. The book really made me paranoid. It was as if someone had pulled all of my secrets out of my head and written them down for all to see. My detox was very mild and I cleaned up. Part of this process was working the twelve steps with a sponsor. I got one or I should say one got me. The first week I was clean I was told I needed a sponsor and this guy told me he would be it. We immediately started writing my first step. A few weeks later I went to my first N.A. convention. In the mountains of West Virginia I did my third step. The following is what I experienced. I was still in somewhat of a haze and did have some reservations about staying clean as well as who exactly were these people and what did they really want from me. My sponsor walked me up the side of a mountain and under a small group of large pine trees that overlooked the convention site we sat down to share my third step. There were worksheets for each step and I had written answers to all the questions on my worksheets. The third step of Narcotics Anonymous: We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him. As I read my answers to the worksheet questions we came to one part where it asked me to describe the God of my understanding. My answer was what I referred to earlier. The concept of an earth mother or great mystery. I also stated that there may be nothing out there,and if there was, I figured I was doomed anyway so what did it matter. Well this led to an intense discussion ending when my sponsor asked me several times loudly if I really believed what I had told him. I cried a little and he walked off. This was about 3:30 in the afternoon. I became very angry and looked up at the trees and across the mountains. I looked down on the convention site where I could see people wandering about. I then looked up and told “God” in no uncertain terms that if he or she wanted me to stay here you had better show me something or I am leaving, going home, getting high and blowing my brains out. There was a lot of bad language used on my part. But I did open myself up to whatever was out there. I then laid back against one of the pine trees and woke up about 8:45 pm. The following is what I experienced during that time. I remember “being picked up” and knowing that I was a part of everything. I felt/knew I was a hawk. I could feel the wind in my feathers as I flew over a great sea of grass and on over hills with a few trees and into and over mountains. From the mountains I flew higher and higher until I was out in the cosmos and knew with a certainty that I was a part of all creation. I was and am, star stuff. I believe we all are. We are all related. We are all one. When I woke up I knew I was in the right place but have never written about this experience until now. I have only shared this with four human beings. I am writing this now for a good friend who is one of the bravest human beings I know and who is showing me a new depth of courage. I have had three other notable experiences. All while participating in native ceremonies. One during a sweat lodge where I was reminded again of my profound connection to life. A time where I knew I was not alone and there was more for me to do. Another during a dance where I knew my father danced with me. I could feel his presence for many hours as the ceremony went on. I was twelve years old when he died and this has helped me greatly come to peace with his passing. I have serious mobility issues and a healing ceremony was held for me. All I can say is I am able to move as a result of this. I felt and saw things during the ceremony and I believe in the experience I had. I cannot pretend any of the above experiences did not happen or rationalize away these experiences. They are my truth and mine alone. I am reminded once again of how much I do not know. What a great peace this gives me. From the little boy sitting in his bedroom window … to the boy playing in his grandmothers backyard … to the man who survived his dark years …to the man who cleaned up … to the man who lived and learned to love and found he was loved … to the man who found that cancer was not a death sentence but a new lease on life … and to this man, here now, at this moment in time who is so grateful to have lived his life … and finally to cancer… the disease which has given me new life and shown me how kind, forgiving and loving we human beings can be and taught me we do not do life alone. I must also say that therapy is good. For me it was also necessary and I highly recommend it. You can’t have your head removed from your rectum too often. I am at a point in my life where I am finally willing to sit down and review these parts of my time here on earth. This is the stuff I have been very uncomfortable with because I was worried what others would think. To be 62 years old and finally realize that it really does not matter what anyone else thinks. This is my life and my truth and yet there is still to be so much more revealed. I look forward to tomorrow. UPDATE - 5/11/16 Now I have had my second “extra” birthday and am 63 years old. More will be revealed.