Weekend Update - 4/29/16

I don’t know what to say about this past week. I can tell you it is good to have people who are patient with me when I am out of my mind and brave enough to tell me what I need to hear while standing by me in the midst of this current storm. Said storm being the almost utter exhaustion of “being sick” and the feelings of helplessness and hopelessness that have threatened to overwhelm me. The reality of the past couple of years being ill, what I have survived and what I must now live with as a result have all reared up and “slapped me in the face” at a much deeper level. I am reminded once again that I am a human being. I am finding a deeper meaning for what it means to me to be a human being. As my Uncle said, “Your hardest job will be to be a human being”. My blinding flash of the obvious for the week has been that I am just like all the other human beings out there and I will have feelings whether I like it or not. I am now out of the dark places I have been in. I am grateful for being reminded that I am not alone and my life matters. Thank you for loving me through this … again. I can also state that therapy is good and as a former mental health clinician it has been another surrender to be “on the other side” again. Just when I think “I’ve got this” ……. it’s time to let go and just go along for the ride. I have received my marching orders. It is now time to breath in and out, follow directions and let go of the steering wheel. More good news this week from my oncologist. My blood levels are excellent almost all is looking good. I can say that radiation proctitis is no picnic. I do go for an ultrasound of my thyroid next week and the results of this will determine what happens next. More continues to be done regarding my thyroid levels and diabetes as my medications continue to be adjusted. Once again … in closing, the reality of my financial situation continues to be what it is…. not good. I am asking all to give what you can and to remember that no amount is to small. Every little bit helps. I am living month to month, and without the support I have received I would not still be living in my home. It is still amazing (and sickening) to me how much all of my treatments are costing. A continuing big “THANK YOU” to all who have shared their experience, strength, hope, time and resources. Your time and gifts are, as always, greatly appreciated and needed. ***Please note that the 12/3/15 post in my blog is one which I encourage you to share freely.*** Please read and share my story. www.gofundme.com/j55wek And read my blog at: riksjourney.blogspot.com

Weekend Update - 4/22/16

Well, I can either make believe everything is OK or I can accept that, at this time, life is difficult. And in times like these I become hesitant to share what thoughts are in my head and what feelings I am experiencing. Let me just say I do understand that some people do not want to hear “negative” thoughts and feelings. Hell, I don’t want to think some of the negative thoughts or feel the “negative” feelings I am having at this time. In the interest of trying to be honest and to not blow sunshine up everyones keister I will share some of these “uncomfortable” thoughts/feelings in the hope it might help someone else and to try to be true to the spirit of my story……..and more importantly so I do not do not do something stupid. This is a time of feeling worthless in that my ability to “go out and do” something (volunteer, go to the movies, plan on being somewhere at a given point in time) is compromised by my physical limitations at this time and feeling hopeless as these issues continue to manifest themselves in ways that are really getting on my nerves. One particular change is I am having to eat even more healthy with the corresponding loss being I can no longer justify “eating my feelings away”. Now what do I do. Also a part of my mind is terrified that if I were to share these thoughts/feelings openly I would feel even more alone than I already do because people would run away or just quietly disappear. One question rattling around in my brain is what is the point of being here if this is what I have to look forward to. In short I am depressed and burnt out on “being sick”. Of course the bills I have gotten lately, as well as the bills yet to come, are not having a positive effect on ant of this. I can hear the comments now of “oh quit that pity party’ and “be grateful for what you have” and “times like these only make you stronger” and “you know better” and “a lot of people have it worse than you” and other comments that will disregard and/or invalidate my thoughts and feelings that are of a less than positive nature. Dare I respond to said comments with …. while there is truth to all of these …. REALITY is that sometimes those negative thoughts/feelings are REALITY and I need to feel/experience them in order to let them go. In other words sometimes life hands you a crap sandwich and you have to take a bite (or bites) … chew it, swallow it, let nature take it’s course and get on with your life. Me writing about his is only a part of my personal “digestive process” to let these negative thoughts/feelings go. I may not know much but I do know I have not, and do not, do well “stuffing” my feelings and/or playing “make believe” with this kind of stuff. I hope in some way this lets folks know that being a human being sucks at times and, more importantly, lets you all know that you are not alone or special because life hands you a crap sandwich. And that said crap sandwich will not kill you. I am learning, once again, that writing is good and this is a powerful way for me to let my negativity go or, at the very least, have it be bearable. Life will go on and life will change. My hope is that I get a club sandwich next time. Once again … in closing, the reality of my financial situation continues to be what it is…. not good. I am asking all to give what you can and to remember that no amount is to small. Every little bit helps. I am living month to month, and without the support I have received I would not still be living in my home. It is still amazing to me how much all of my treatments are costing. A continuing big “THANK YOU” to all who have shared their experience, strength, hope, time and resources. Your time and gifts are, as always, greatly appreciated and needed. ***Please note that the 12/3/15 post in my blog is one which I encourage you to share freely.*** Please read and share my story. www.gofundme.com/j55wek

Weekend Update - 4/15/16

And my journey continues. I continue to live the dream. I breath each day. I eat each day. I take care of my bodily functions each day. I continue to watch and be profoundly entertained by the world around me each day. I feel the losses I am enduring each day. I am grateful for every second of every day. I am learning to not look at each individual tree in the forest but to view the forest as a whole. Some of those individual trees are overwhelming. Time to step back and take it all in. Practice practice practice….. Repetition is a good thing. My medications have been and are being adjusted. My human body is a fascinating organism. I am becoming more disciplined in taking care of me. I do want to keep my fingers, toes, eyesight and continue to be ambulatory. I am working to give myself the best quality of life I can. All things considered, I have had a good week……..still breathing, still laughing…………..LIFE is a go. Once again … in closing, the reality of my financial situation continues to be what it is…. not good. I am asking all to give what you can and to remember that no amount is to small. Every little bit helps. I am living month to month, and without the support I have received I would not still be living in my home. It is still amazing to me how much all of my treatments are costing. A continuing big “THANK YOU” to all who have shared their experience, strength, hope, time and resources. Your time and gifts are, as always, greatly appreciated and needed. ***Please note that the 12/3/15 post in my blog is one which I encourage you to share freely.*** Please read and share my story. www.gofundme.com/j55wek And read my blog at: riksjourney.blogspot.com

Weekend Update - 4/8/16

One of those things that make me go hmmmm. When you see doctors, nurses and other medical staff more than you see other people. It appears I might be off to the races again. I am scheduled to have an ultrasound on my neck in a month. There are more medication changes/adjustments and once again another possible visit to the hospital. Oh, and did I say cancer sucks. It is not just the disease but all the aftereffects that come with it. I am beginning to get out and about again. I am learning, once again, to time my “outs and abouts” to my bodily functions. Please note that this is still a work in progress. I am grateful that my last procedure does not appear to be impacting me as severely as the previous procedure. I am tired and at this time I don’t think I need to say more. I have felt better. The losses I have endured due to my cancer are at times overwhelming and I am extremely fortunate to have friends in my life who have been down the road I now travel. So for now I continue “living the dream”. Once again … in closing, the reality of my financial situation continues to be what it is…. not good. I am asking all to give what you can and to remember that no amount is to small. Every little bit helps. I am living month to month, and without the support I have received I would not still be living in my home. It is still amazing to me how much all of my treatments are costing. A continuing big “THANK YOU” to all who have shared their experience, strength, hope, time and resources. Your time and gifts are, as always, greatly appreciated and needed. ***Please note that the 12/3/15 post in my blog is one which I encourage you to share freely.*** Please read and share my story. www.gofundme.com/j55wek And read my blog at: riksjourney.blogspot.com

Weekend Update - 4/1/16

Well, I had my “COLON BLOW II” procedure. It was indeed the “full monty” and it was glorious. The doctor cauterized all the remaining lesions in my bowel he could. The good news is that now we “watch and wait” and do regular blood tests now that the doctors have done all they can do via the back door. And now that everything from the chest down has been dealt with as much as possible, it is now time to move on and examine my body from the neck up. This process begins this coming week. Indeed, more will be revealed. Hopefully not much if anything. As to how I am doing…. I am very grateful for my friends and the ongoing humor with which we look at the world. It has been very therapeutic for me to turn off the “illness” and just be able to laugh. My thanks to you all. This week is another “is it a fart or not” week. Therefore I am trying to be almost always within 15 seconds a toilet. I am also washing a lot of extra laundry. A special thank you to my transportation captain. I did find out, once again, I really have no business trying to drive after certain procedures have been done. The nurse was not lying. And now I return to the bathroom yet again………….. and I am so grateful I am here and able to do so. Once again … in closing, the reality of my financial situation continues to be what it is…. not good. I am asking all to give what you can and to remember that no amount is to small. Every little bit helps. I am living month to month, and without the support I have received I would not still be living in my home. It is still amazing to me how much all of my treatments are costing. A big “THANK YOU” to all who have shared their experience, strength, hope, time and resources. Your time and gifts are, as always, greatly appreciated and needed. ***Please note that the 12/3/15 post in my blog is one which I encourage you to share freely.*** Please read and share my story. www.gofundme.com/j55wek