Weekend Update - 4/22/16

Well, I can either make believe everything is OK or I can accept that, at this time, life is difficult. And in times like these I become hesitant to share what thoughts are in my head and what feelings I am experiencing. Let me just say I do understand that some people do not want to hear “negative” thoughts and feelings. Hell, I don’t want to think some of the negative thoughts or feel the “negative” feelings I am having at this time. In the interest of trying to be honest and to not blow sunshine up everyones keister I will share some of these “uncomfortable” thoughts/feelings in the hope it might help someone else and to try to be true to the spirit of my story……..and more importantly so I do not do not do something stupid. This is a time of feeling worthless in that my ability to “go out and do” something (volunteer, go to the movies, plan on being somewhere at a given point in time) is compromised by my physical limitations at this time and feeling hopeless as these issues continue to manifest themselves in ways that are really getting on my nerves. One particular change is I am having to eat even more healthy with the corresponding loss being I can no longer justify “eating my feelings away”. Now what do I do. Also a part of my mind is terrified that if I were to share these thoughts/feelings openly I would feel even more alone than I already do because people would run away or just quietly disappear. One question rattling around in my brain is what is the point of being here if this is what I have to look forward to. In short I am depressed and burnt out on “being sick”. Of course the bills I have gotten lately, as well as the bills yet to come, are not having a positive effect on ant of this. I can hear the comments now of “oh quit that pity party’ and “be grateful for what you have” and “times like these only make you stronger” and “you know better” and “a lot of people have it worse than you” and other comments that will disregard and/or invalidate my thoughts and feelings that are of a less than positive nature. Dare I respond to said comments with …. while there is truth to all of these …. REALITY is that sometimes those negative thoughts/feelings are REALITY and I need to feel/experience them in order to let them go. In other words sometimes life hands you a crap sandwich and you have to take a bite (or bites) … chew it, swallow it, let nature take it’s course and get on with your life. Me writing about his is only a part of my personal “digestive process” to let these negative thoughts/feelings go. I may not know much but I do know I have not, and do not, do well “stuffing” my feelings and/or playing “make believe” with this kind of stuff. I hope in some way this lets folks know that being a human being sucks at times and, more importantly, lets you all know that you are not alone or special because life hands you a crap sandwich. And that said crap sandwich will not kill you. I am learning, once again, that writing is good and this is a powerful way for me to let my negativity go or, at the very least, have it be bearable. Life will go on and life will change. My hope is that I get a club sandwich next time. Once again … in closing, the reality of my financial situation continues to be what it is…. not good. I am asking all to give what you can and to remember that no amount is to small. Every little bit helps. I am living month to month, and without the support I have received I would not still be living in my home. It is still amazing to me how much all of my treatments are costing. A continuing big “THANK YOU” to all who have shared their experience, strength, hope, time and resources. Your time and gifts are, as always, greatly appreciated and needed. ***Please note that the 12/3/15 post in my blog is one which I encourage you to share freely.*** Please read and share my story. www.gofundme.com/j55wek