Weekend Update - 2/26/16

As I have been on “vacation” this week, I now find myself having to deal with some issues and feelings I “have been too busy to deal with”. Having the past two weeks away from doctors/hospitals has been a blessing on one hand and a wake up call in some ways on the other. In short I have had time to begin to “feel” about my current medical, emotional and financial situations. This is a good thing. As I have learned in the past, it is not good to stuff my feelings. In the past this has led me to make some, to be polite, “not good” decisions. One thing I have learned is that lessons are repeated until learned. And the more my lessons have had to be repeated … the greater the damage done. This has been a somewhat emotional time for me. It is good to shed some tears. It is good to allow myself to be angry. It is good to acknowledge my fears. Only by doing so can I “feel” these feelings and not have them come out sideways directed at others and/or myself and, most dangerously, through making “not good” decisions. Some of my past “not good” decisions in not dealing with my feelings include, but are not limited to, eating those feelings away, burning relationships, horrible/terrible financial decisions as well as other self-destructive behaviors. I do know you cannot drink and drug feelings “away”. I have had some losses and some of these, I see now, were necessary. I am saddened by my losses but I am also becoming more aware of the things I have and am gaining in my life. In short, this has been a period of time where my perception of my life and the people and world around me have profoundly shifted. All of these have changed for the better. Life does indeed go on and I intend, to the best of my ability, go right along with it. I have also been reminded of just how fortunate I am to have the people in my life who I now, more than ever, acknowledge as my family. Thank you for loving me through all of my journey and I know in my heart you will share, with me, the journey yet to come. I am one very grateful human being. This coming week I have a scan and some tests being done and hopefully these will all come out good enough. Once again … in closing, the reality of my financial situation continues to be what it is…. not good. I am asking all to give what you can and to remember that no amount is to small. Every little bit helps. I am living month to month, and without the support I have received I would not still be living in my home. A big “THANK YOU” to all who have shared their experience, strength, hope, time and resources. Your time and gifts are, as always, greatly appreciated and needed. ***Please note that the 12/3/15 post in my blog is one which I encourage you to share freely.*** Please read and share my story. www.gofundme.com/j55wek

Weekend Update - 2/19/16

Weekend Update - 2/19/16 It has been a good week. I have successfully gone to the loo almost without incident! What does it say that this is the most astounding accomplishment of my week? For me it says I had a very good week indeed. The word of this week has been fear. Personally, fear of the future status of my medical conditions. Add to this fear of my “finances”, fear of being “alone” and fear of “what will happen next” in any part in my life. Fear of what others think of me because of my illness and how it effects my ability to go out and do things. In other words it is, at times, very easy to be very afraid of almost everything and, of course, afraid of the unknown. In my attempts to understand my fear and to send “it” on a permanent vacation to the Falkland Islands, I have become very aware of many messages of fear I encounter in my daily life. Most, if not all, are encountered anytime I turn on the TV, read a newspaper or go on the internet. And once I begin to really think about what I am listening to, seeing or reading I reflect on one of the most true acronyms I have ever encountered in my 62 years on this planet. Said acronym being ……… F alse E vidence A ppearing R eal According to the information I am bombarded with each day I should be afraid to eat - possibly, in some way, anything I eat might kill me, or at the very least, make my life a living hell. I need to be afraid of my body because something inside just might try to kill me. Well, enough said about that. I should be afraid to breath… because the germs/dust monsters in the air and your air ducts, on your bedding, on the countertop and yes, especially in the bathroom, will, at the very least, make you sick before they kill you. NOTE: I have not even left the house yet……… Listening the local news and news of the world ….. well, we are all screwed aren’t we. I will not begin to mention politics. And to go “outside” and interact with other people ….. well let’s just say I am doomed if I do that. What brought this to the forefront for me was an interview with a well known author on the radio. I will now “borrow” the gist of what she discussed because I have had the exact same thoughts and feelings. Imagine you are at home relaxing and watching TV. On comes a commercial that extolls the virtues of a “wonder drug” which is pitched by a famous person. A choir sings the praises of said drug and how necessary and important this drug is for you and that you must immediately ask your doctor for it so you will be able to continue to live. (NOTE: this last sentence …. OMG OMG OMG …. I gotta have it now!) There is just one thing missing…….. What condition(s) is this drug prescribed for? This is never revealed. And that is how, insane living with fear can be for me. So, just for today, and future days, FEAR can take a hike. When I stop and reflect on just the past couple of years of my life I know that, in spite of everything, I will, at the very least, be OK. Especially if I treat others as I would wish to be treated and if I do what I can for those whom I can help in some small way. Goals for the future … to be able to laugh and just have some fun. As I have said before, without humor, what do we have. My big tests are scheduled for next month an I am actually looking forward to all of these … except the “colonoscopy II”. I am not going to say any more about that. Once again … in closing, the reality of my financial situation continues to be what it is…. not good. I am asking all to give what you can and to remember that no amount is to small. Every little bit helps. I am living month to month, and without the support I have received I would not still be living in my home. A big “THANK YOU” to all who have shared their experience, strength, hope, time and resources. Your time and gifts are, as always, greatly appreciated and needed. ***Please note that the 12/3/15 post in my blog is one which I encourage you to share freely.*** Please read and share my story. www.gofundme.com/j55wek

Weekend Update - 2/12/16

Sometimes “they” say the “cure” is as bad or worse than the “disease”. Well, I am here to tell you at times they are almost right. Suffice it to say I am, once again, almost able to resume my “new normal” bathroom activities. I am continually learning to not take anything for granted, but to really appreciate everything I am able to do as well as everything I have. Enough said……and now moving on. The great news is I actually have a period of about two weeks without having to go to see anyone about anything medically related. I am on “vacation”. To celebrate I am going to do my best to do all those things that will prolong my life. Simply exercising, eating healthy and giving back to my community will go a long way to improving my mental, physical and spiritual health. And as a friend shared with me …. I might want to do some exorcising too. After all, it is Lent. I do have some major tests coming up next month and I am looking forward to most of these. It is good to be able to feel like I will be here for quite a while yet. In other words, feeling the light at the end of the tunnel is not an oncoming train but a new chapter in my life. I must also thank again all those who continue to listen to me as I continue my journey. Your gifts of time and patience with me are very much acknowledged and appreciated. Once again … in closing, the reality of my financial situation continues to be what it is…. not good. I am asking all to give what you can and to remember that no amount is to small. Every little bit helps. I am living month to month, and without the support I have received I would not still be living in my home. A big “THANK YOU” to all who have shared their experience, strength, hope, time and resources. Your time and gifts are, as always, greatly appreciated and needed. ***Please note that the 12/3/15 post in my blog is one which I encourage you to share freely.*** Please read and share my story. www.gofundme.com/j55wek

Weekend Update - 2/5/16

This has been one of those weeks where I have been almost continually reminded of sick. I was talking with a good friend this week about “being sick”. She is also a member of the “Living with Cancer Club”. We were both ruminating on how our lives have been and are continually affected by our cancer diagnosis, treatment, the after effects of said treatment as well as the treatments for the aftereffects of these treatments. This has been a week of not being able to do most of the activities I have been trying to re-engage in. It has been a week of reflecting of just how fortunate I have been in my recovery while at the same time grieving the loss of being able to do even some simple things. I can say this. I will never take for granted the ability to just “go to the bathroom” again. This is something I am now re-training myself to do. I am also learning to set aside my pride and use the “tools” necessary which will assist me in this process. To say any more I feel would simply be to much information. Moving on……. One of my current goals is to be able to go on vacation. Vacationing not on the south coast of France or in Key West, New Mexico, Oregon, California or even at the Georgia Aquarium for a day. I would simply like to not have to go to the hospital or see a doctor for two weeks. I figure two weeks is, hopefully, long enough to not be reminded of the reality of my current physical condition. I would like to go for a walk in the park, see my friends and simply exist for a little while not having to plan my life around my medical issues. And even though I said earlier I wouldn’t say it … I would just like to be able to go to the bathroom in a somewhat regular manner. So on I go … and as a friend always says …. “living the dream”. I do realize I am doing very well, for me, at the moment but sometimes I need to vent. This stuff gets old and tiresome. And right now I feel old and tired … and a little sore. Yes, I said it (hey hey hey). Laughter is good and to quote one of my favorite movies …. “Without humor, what do we have”. This part of my journey will not be over until they do the next procedure in late March. My big scans are in about a month and ongoing medical trips remain a necessity at this time. I do thank my friends for reminding me I am not alone and I do not know the outcome of this particular story. Much love to you all. Once again … in closing, the reality of my financial situation continues to be what it is…. not good. I am asking all to give what you can and to remember that no amount is to small. Every little bit helps. I am living month to month, and without the support I have received I would not still be living in my home. A big “THANK YOU” to all who have shared their experience, strength, hope, time and resources. Your time and gifts are, as always, greatly appreciated and needed. ***Please note that the 12/3/15 post in my blog is one which I encourage you to share freely.*** Please read and share my story. www.gofundme.com/j55wek