Weekend Update and Holidays Survived - 12/24/17

Weekend Update and Holidays Survived - 12/24/17 Tis’ the season to be …………depressed. A lot of bad things have happened to me in the weeks surrounding Xmas. Death has been my special Xmas friend since I was 12 years old. I know I am not the only one who has lost a loved one in the Xmas season but it is hurting this year. Just a note to say I once again have a deeper understanding of the words “practicing medicine”. More blood work and I will have another ‘in and out’ procedure the second week of January. This one is called a RUS (Rectal Endoscopic Ultrasound) which is a procedure that enables the doctor to examine the col………. well enough of that. I do hope this will be the last time for the foreseeable future that any anal procedures are done on me. Who knows, maybe they will find the Grail up there. Some of the medical bills have come just in time for Xmas….oh the joy! I am feeling that sinking feeling once again as I sink slowly deeper into debt. I am also reflecting on this past year and the significant changes which have taken place in my life. I had to surrender my home of 18 years. A necessary but sad event. A positive event for my stress level. I will say the following in the vernacular….. I can no longer eat away, drink away, smoke away, drug away, or sex away my feelings. Although the ‘sex away’ part has been present for the past three plus years (since THAT operation). Needless to say this has created a lot of free time for me to sit around and think about life, the universe, and everything. Due to financial realities and my bowel issues I am very limited in where and when I can go do anything. And at the present time I cannot plan much until I find out more specifics about my health status. So life does go on… and I need to say this for me. - FUCK cancer - ………and Fuck depression too. the following from John Pavlovitz says more than I can right now… There is no good time to be mentally ill. I mean, it’s never convenient to carry that invisible heaviness around with you; to have to martial every bit of energy to keep the persistent demons at bay, to muster up enough functional positivity to attend to the menial tasks in front of you on a given day. There simply isn’t an ideal spot on the calendar for such things. Most any time of the year on any nondescript day, depression makes you feel out of step with the world around you. You sense that you’re an oddity, a foreigner, an alien. You look in the eyes of people across the cafeteria or the cubicle or the living room and they all seem perfectly fine— as if they aren’t regularly sucker punched with sudden and debilitating doubts of irrational darkness, as if they don’t feel fully frustrated by a steady pain they feel but can’t name, as if a despair with no reasonable cause, isn’t a frequent presence inside their heads.  Regardless of the date, with mental illness as an internal companion you’re always aware that you’re different than most people—but this realization is never more clear or profound than in a season when everyone seems to be singing; when effusive joy is the expected default response. More than any other time, you feel the pressure to be well, to pull it together, to don now your gay apparel and to be appropriately jolly. Most people don’t understand depression and other mental illness, believing that it can be cured with tangible things, with measurable data, with accurate information. They think that you can choose to not be afflicted with sadness. They mistakenly believe, that placed in the right exterior conditions—you can just “cheer up.” It makes sense to these well-meaning but misinformed people, that with enough ugly sweaters and twinkling lights and tinsel strands and yuletide carols—that you can catch happiness like you do a seasonal cold. It would great be if that’s how it worked. It would be nice if mental illness took a break for the holidays.
It doesn’t. We try like hell to take a vacation from it though, I can promise you that. We don’t want to be the people who weigh down these days for those around us who easily revel in the lightness of the season. We put on the ugly sweaters and string the lights and do our best to  “fake it ’till we make it”—and yes, sometimes the trappings of the season do help, often they are a source of rest, they can be a welcome distraction. Sometimes songs or rituals or smells, trigger the muscle memory of a day in the past when joy wasn’t such work, when peace was easy, when wonder was plentiful. Sometimes the holidays are medicinal. Yet just as often, those songs and rituals and smells become ropes tied around our waists, that without warning yank us back into the dark places, back into the persistent heaviness, back into the isolation of being sad and song-less people in a crowd of willing carolers.  Those of us afflicted with depression know that if you love us, you are forced to spend the holidays with mental illness. We know how difficult our unpredictability is, how draining our mood swings are, how tenuous your sense of peace is because of us. Just know how much we appreciate you working so hard to overcome our darkness with your brightness. Even if it doesn’t help, it matters. Even if it doesn’t result in a visible change in us, we see what you’re trying to do and we are grateful. And know too that right now we are trying—as much as in April or August, we are trying to hold back the demons and kindle the flickering light inside us. We are, in this season as in every season, seeking a joy that does not need to be manufactured and is not easily stolen. We know how difficult it is for your to be spending your holidays with our mental illness. Believe me, we know. If you keep holding on, we will too. Please take good care of yourselves. You never know what the fuck will happen. Please read my blog (link below) from the beginning for a complete picture of how I ended up right here right now. It has, and continues to be, one hell of a journey. Feel free to copy, borrow, share this blog anywhere and everywhere. riksjourney.blogspot.com

Weekend Update - 12/07/17

It has been a while since I have published anything I have written. I can now say that this too is a part of this journey. This is the third anniversary of my big cancer operation. I have found that no matter how I might try to distract myself from reality, reality continues to show up and bite me in the ass. Over the past several months the effects of my journey with cancer have continued to take a toll. I find myself limited in what I can do and where and when I can go. Also the number of doctor visits has grown exponentially with a couple of new docs added to the mix with all the tests that come with. One part of this are the issues with my bowels. I have some control but at times very little and inspire of my efforts to figure this out by diet, eating times, medications, and exercise my “issues” remain. Part two of this is the fatigue associated with my anemia and my thyroid levels being off. This too is being actively treated by diet, exercise, medications, and anything else I can think of…..which is not much. The undercurrent of all of this is I am currently waiting to see if my blood work improves (no anemia, etc) which I should find out around the end of this month. The jury is still out. The possibilities of what might happen have exacerbated symptoms of my depression as well as my physical health. If my blood work improves then all will be normal. The thyroid issues, bowel issues, diabetes issues, and physical deterioration issues will continue but that is just part of my normal. What has me concerned and feeling unsettled is the possibility that if my blood work does not improve then it will be time for a bone marrow biopsy. That is just what it is. This brings up a conversation I had with my doctors prior to my big cancer operation when I was terminal and my operation was a “hope this works” kind of deal. I was told that the operation would buy me some time. That time being around three to five years. Well it’s three years now and another five months will be the the third anniversary of my radiation treatments. So yes, I am in my head and it has gotten pretty scary. Now, once again, I am left with what do I do now. One thing I am doing is vomiting all of this out into the ether to get it out of me and look at it. I am so very grateful to the folks who are standing by me and who are sharing their experience, strength, and hope with me. I am reminded for the 4,876 time that I do not know what is going to happen, I am not alone, and I am not the only cancer patient going thru this…..so chill the fuck out. Good advice which I plan to exercise as much as possible. Probably be good to start that now. Please read my blog (link below) from the beginning for a complete picture of how I ended up right here right now. It has, and continues to be, one hell of a journey. Feel free to copy, borrow, share this blog anywhere and everywhere. riksjourney.blogspot.com

Change Will Not Come From Silence / I Am My Nation’s Inconvenient Truth 8/24/17

Change Will Not Come From Silence / I Am My Nation’s Inconvenient Truth I must continue to believe, no matter what, my country will evolve into that more perfect union where all are welcome and all have an equal seat at the table. For if I no longer believe in that more perfect union, I believe I will be lost, and I will, by default, become an active participant in the annihilation of said union. I am 64 year old disabled gay man of color. All of my life I have lived with the fear of what might happen if this country turned to the dark angels of it’s nature. That nature being the facts that this nation was founded upon the genocide of one people and the enslavement of another. That nature being the deep racism which permeates every cell of the makeup of this country like a cancer. This cancer, unless addressed, or at the very least mitigated in some way, will consume the very fabric of our union resulting in this (our) unions complete annihilation. With the election of twitler, my country has let me know, in no uncertain terms, I am no longer welcome here. twitler has repeatedly stated he is not my president. The events of Charlottesville and twitler’s heartfelt endorsement of nazis, the kkk, and the so-called alt-right as a whole has let me know in no uncertain terms who he is and he is not my president. Unfortunately he is the president. I lived in Richmond, Virginia, for twelve years. I lived in the Fan district and I walked out of my apartment(s) and saw the statues of jeb stuart and robert e. lee every day. There are also a lot of other confederate memorial states and the white house of the confederacy nearby which I saw way to regularly. Every time I saw these things it hurt. It hurt that part of me that try as I may to love my country ……. it hurt more because I do love my country. That kind of pain wears on me every day. Those monuments are a loud clear message that to me that I am not and will never be - no matter what I do - a full member of this Union. I will always be less than and not really a part of. I am my nations inconvenient truth. —— On a lighter note I do take great pride in the fact that I have pissed on most every confederate monument in Richmond, Virginia. I feel that this was the least that I could do. The “rights” gay people have won over the past several years will, in all likelihood, be repealed. This is already happening in the military. Black lives matter? …..Clearly not. Mass incarceration continues and with the return of the “law and order” mentality and the resultant changes in policies within the Department of Justice the future is bleak. That “safety net” of the Supreme Court and the U. S. Department of Justice which have, for the most part, continually moved this country “forward” (albeit kicking and screaming) is now compromised for the coming generation if not generations of Americans. The future of affordable healthcare in this country is now fundamentally compromised. Republicans will continue to push for the abolition of Medicaid, Medicare, and Social Security. I believe unless the democrats endorse a universal healthcare/single payer healthcare system Medicaid, Medicare, and Social Security will be short lived. The complete assault upon our public schools continues unabated and is now enhanced with the choices of twitler’s choice of Secretary of Education. No longer do we identify the children of this nation as “our children”. Now our children have become “those children" and are seen types of foreign objects to be managed, thrown away, ignored or exterminated. As far as climate change is concerned…………our future is, along with the planet, going up in flames. Our children will not thank us and will be, if not already, ashamed of us. Insanity now rules in our nations capital. twitler’s decisions to place people in charge of the Departments of Energy, EPA, and Interior who do not even believe in or have knowledge of their respective departments missions …….. well we are screwed. Our children are screwed. The planet is screwed. Our country’s place in the world is forever diminished. The balance of power (how the USA is viewed) in the world has changed for the worse. I feel afraid for our men and women in uniform. I feel terrified for the “least” of us here in this country. I can no longer walk down the street in this country and feel welcome, safe or secure. I no longer feel proud to be an American. I am profoundly ashamed of and embarrassed by my country. The future does not look bright, especially for the children of this country. Hatred, intolerance, misogyny, homophobia and xenophobia have, at this point in time, won the future of this country. I am reminded, once again, of the question I asked my mother when I was a little boy. Said question being … why do they (white people) hate us so much. She told me this was because they were sick. I asked what I could do to help them and was told I need to be the best human being I could be, to help all people whenever I could and to remember we are all human beings and no one person is greater or lesser than anyone else. In other words love them until they learn to love themselves. My mother then asked me how I was feeling. I thought about it for a few seconds and said I felt sad. Well, I am profoundly sad once again. I have that pit of terror in my stomach. My belief that love is powerful enough to overcome the wave of “insanity” which this country has now embraced has been shaken to its very core. So I come again to the crossroads of what do I do….what can I do…. what must I do. To begin, I have decided to do what my mother would have me do. I must love them until they can learn to love themselves. Now the question becomes how do I do this. How can I actively practice that love. My answer is to not be silent. To speak up and out about the insanity in the world and by doing so make a continuous appeal to the better angels of our nature. When I am out and about, at a friend’s house, a party, a public event … Whenever and wherever I hear words of intolerance/stupidity I must quietly speak that I am offended and state why. I will make myself available for a discussion about the issue raised. I will do my best to talk openly and honestly with those who also chose to have this discussion. If necessary I will turn and leave or ask said person(s) to leave my home. All are not ready for this discussion. But for those who are ready for this discussion change can occur. I must act on the better angel of my nature. Why speak up? What has my silence gained but the continuation of intolerance and all the negativity that comes with it. Change begins with my voice being heard. My continued silence serves only to give validation to intolerance. This “inconvenient truth” will be silent no more. So a toast to the better angels of our nature. I know I am not alone…..and neither are you.

thoughts on twitler

SOME THOUGHTS REGARDING twitler……… Regarding racism and the hatred/fear of the twitler/GOP supporters……..What happened in Charlottesville and twitler’s recent press conference (8/15/2017) sadly confirms my worst fears for the country and all of us who are “different” and/or do not subscribe to vileness of twitter’s beliefs. Please note that black/brown/red/yellow/gay/muslim and/or any other “others” do not hate/fear “others” the way that you twitler people do. There is a deep rot in the soul of the USA. That rot is primarily racism. And now this racism is moved into the white house….or (and I am quoting here: “the white supremacist house”. The other rots are the other “ism's", capitalism, and just plain willful ignorance. The truth has come out. That fear in the pit of my stomach all these years has been proven true. Just because you twitler/GOP supporters have that deep sickness in your soul which causes you to view “others” with the deep contemptuous absolute hatred/fear you are so eaten up with does not, especially in this case, mean that those “others” must have the same deep dark sickness/feelings you have. They, by the very vast majority, do not. This does not mean that there are not some in those others who hate you too. Every group has their assholes. Every group also has their versions of Herman Cain/Clarence Thomas/Ben Carson/Don King and the extremely incongruent talking heads who support the twitler/GOP. Most of, if not all of, who have sold and/or will sell their face and soul for a dollar. Once again, what this does mean is that the vast majority of those “others” do not hate/fear you. They do however do not like the racist things you do and say because it just plain hurts. We are also having to acknowledge that those of us who are “different” are now in real danger. We have a goddamn nazi in the white house This is just way too damn sad and scary as hell. So to all you twitler/GOP people out there….you promote a profound and deep sadness in me. If you are supporting the twitler or “just don’t know” my belief is that you fully subscribe to the beliefs of the twitler/GOP. Please note that to “look away” and/or to “not know” is to join the ranks of the twitler/GOP supporters. The sickness of those beliefs is deep and profound. If you do not understand how sick and just plain wrong they are I feel sorry for you. I do hope you will come to understand the sickness you have and do your best to correct it. You are racist, homophobic, xenophobic and sexist human beings consumed with fear, ignorance, willful ignorance, and hatred. So continue to love the twitler/GOP and fully own it. Once again you cannot adopt “just one” of these sick beliefs and/or say “but not you/but your different”to someone anymore than you can be a little bit pregnant. I do not mind friends with different points of view. However, if you are a supporter of the twitler, please know that I cannot be “friends” with or associate with the likes of you. Why you might ask? First, because you have beliefs that fundamentally degenerate me as a human being. Second, because I do not wish feel any more pain in the depths of my soul that your sick twisted beliefs cause me. And finally because I do have, at least, some self-esteem which I refuse to give away and the last thing I want to do is to soil your mind with one of my ideas. It is time to get in the streets people.

An Almost Weekend Update - 06/27/2017

Please note I will try to write regularly again but the past few weeks I have needed to let my brain air out. Also there will be no news regarding my illness unless I really feel the need to share. I am seeing doctors regularly and doing my best to do what I’m told. I have decided not be sick at the present time. Denial is my friend. Yes, I said it and now I move on. The following are some hopes and fears in this age of the donald. My hope. In this case my belief that, no matter what, my country would evolve into that more perfect union where all would be welcome and have an equal seat at the table. My understanding of this country continues to evolve. The republican party and their friends I am writing off. It is a waste of time to attempt to engage them in any type of meaningful dialogue. I have come to this conclusion because I have come to believe that not only do they not view me as a fellow human being, they actively are working to do me and mine harm. And furthermore, they ENJOY doing harm as well as their attempts to do harm. This is becoming a fundamental truth for me and it would be profoundly beneficial for others who are not a part of that “republican” block to also come to this understanding. We will never be able to defeat those folks but we can put ourselves in a position to manage them. Keep in mind only about 25% of the electorate voted this asshole into office…with about 25% voting NO…but with our insane electoral college guess who’s el presidente. The focus of those of us on the left should be on the about 49% of the electorate who did not vote. We need to give these folks reasons to show up and vote. The democrats and the left in general have not done this or have done it so very poorly that folks who might support us just throw-up in their mouths a little and walk (if not run) away. To do this we on the left need some talking points which means a clear vision of what we want to do. Not just that we don’t want to do what the republicans want to do. So here are some ideas on talking points for the left/democratic party. NOTE: these are not original and based in a speech given by FDR on January 11, 1944. *I have edited (updated) the speech —- It is our duty now to begin to lay the plans and determine the strategy for the winning of a lasting peace and the establishment of an American standard of living higher than ever before known. We cannot be content, no matter how high that general standard of living may be, if some fraction of our people—whether it be one-third or one-fifth or one-tenth—is ill-fed, ill-clothed, ill-housed, and insecure. This Republic had its beginning, and grew to its present strength, under the protection of certain inalienable political rights—among them the right of free speech, free press, free worship, trial by jury, freedom from unreasonable searches and seizures. They were our rights to life and liberty. As our nation has grown in size and stature, however—as our industrial economy expanded—these political rights proved inadequate to assure us equality in the pursuit of happiness. We have come to a clear realization of the fact that true individual freedom cannot exist without economic security and independence. ***People who are hungry and out of a job are the stuff of which dictatorships are made. In our day these economic truths have become accepted as self-evident. We have accepted, so to speak, a second Bill of Rights under which a new basis of security and prosperity can be established for all—regardless of station, race, sexual orientation, or creed. Among these are: • The right to a useful and remunerative job in the industries or shops or farms or mines of the nation; • The right to earn enough to provide adequate food and clothing and recreation; • The right of every farmer to raise and sell his products at a return which will give him and his family a decent living; • The right of every businessman, large and small, to trade in an atmosphere of freedom from unfair competition and domination by monopolies at home or abroad; • The right of every family to a decent home; • The right to adequate medical care and the opportunity to achieve and enjoy good health; • The right to adequate protection from the economic fears of old age, sickness, accident, and employment; • The right to a good education. All of these rights spell security. And after this war is won we must be prepared to move forward, in the implementation of these rights, to new goals of human happiness and well-being. America's own rightful place in the world depends in large part upon how fully these and similar rights have been carried into practice for all our citizens. For unless there is security here at home there cannot be lasting peace in the world. Keep in mind this is only a small beginning. I ask you all to please continue this conversation with others. I hope in some small way this helps someone else somewhere. I know writing this has helped me. ****The following is an update to a previous posting.**** I am 64 year old gay man who is also disabled and a person of color. What do you do when your country has let you know it profoundly hates who you are as a human being? With the election of the donald, my country has let me know, in no uncertain terms, I am no longer welcome here. The “rights” gay people have won over the past few years will, in all likelihood, be repealed. Pay attention all you gay republicans. Black lives matter? …..Clearly not. The future of affordable healthcare in this country is now fundamentally compromised. That “safety net” of the Supreme Court and the U. S. Department of Justice which have, for the most part, continually moved this country “forward” (albeit kicking and screaming) is now compromised for the coming generation if not generations of Americans. And as far as climate change is concerned…………our future has gone up in flames. Our children will not thank us and will be, if not already, ashamed of us. Our country’s place in the world is forever diminished. Vladimir Putin is having a very good run indeed. The balance of power (how the USA is viewed) in the world has changed for the worse. We are not #1. I feel afraid for our men and women in uniform. I feel terrified for the “least” of us here in this country. More importantly, my deep belief in the goodness of the people of this country and in the American dream, a belief I have had all of my 63 years on this planet, is withering on the vine. I can no longer walk down the street in this country and feel welcome, safe or secure. I no longer feel proud to be an American. I am profoundly ashamed of my country. The future is not bright, especially for the children of this country as well as the children of the world. Hatred, intolerance, misogyny, homophobia and xenophobia have won the future of this country. The truth as to how racist this country is has been laid bare for all to see. I am reminded, once again, of the question I asked my mother when I was a little boy. Said question being … why do they (white people) hate us so much. She told me this was because they were sick. I asked what I could do to help them and was told I need to be the best human being I could be, to help all people whenever I could and to remember we are all human beings and no one person is greater or lesser than anyone else. In other words love them until they learn to love themselves. My mother then asked me how I was feeling. I thought about it for a few seconds and said I felt sad. Well, I continue to be profoundly sad. I have that pit of terror in my stomach. I have lost my belief that love is powerful enough to overcome the wave of “insanity” which this country has now embraced. I continue to believe that the indisputable reason the Donald is President of these United States is because the white vote came out of the closet and laid bare the willfully ignorant sick sour rotten racist, sexist, homophobic and xenophobic core of this country. Of course the 49% of the country that did not even vote bears responsibility for this too. Those core traits being so fundamentally a part of the soul of this nation it allows people to vote against common decency, love, respect as well as their own personal and families self-interest. So before you whine about how horrible and incompetent the Democratic Party etc etc etc is… you just might want to stop and reflect on how willfully ignorant, apathetic, and horrible more than a few of your fellow citizens are. And once again I remind you all that we live in the United States of America. This country is what it is. It teeters on the brink of becoming a fascist theocracy, and is already a capitalist whorehouse/oligarchy of the highest order. And some news of note - our elected officials are POLITICIANS. So I am going to remind myself and you all again…….… “We do not vote for someone who is “like” us, makes us “feel good” and “believes” everything we believe”…….OR ANYONE who is not ethically, financially and/or “assholilly” soiled in some way. And in that last I am being “kind”. This is not realistic and is a fools errand. I vote, always, for the lesser evil and in honor of the memory of our ancestors who gave their lives to give us all the right to vote. If you do not vote … you will be voting for the greater evil. And if your vote does not really matter, why do those in power do so much to suppress the right to vote? Wake up people. To put this in todays language —— If I am going to have to go out with someone, I would like to be taken to dinner, a movie and drinks afterward and then get screwed. I do not want to be taken out by someone who is just going to knock me in the back of the head, take me to a dark alley, rape the crap out of me, and leave me on the side of the road as they laugh at how stupid I was to go out with them in the first place. I must add that my level of fear for my country is high. The analogy I will use is this. I know well the level of pain it took for me to surrender and become a member of a well known twelve step program. I had destroyed most of my “life” and was at the point where I literally almost took my own life. My fear is that my country will have to come to the brink as I did before “waking up” and reversing the course this country now appears headed in. I believe people in this country need to reacquaint themselves with the phrase “WE the people” because like it or not when the boat sinks we are all drowning together. I would encourage everyone who does not “like” what we have as our political system to get involved. All politics begin at the local level. And to those in the streets … I only wish I was physically able to be there with you. To my fellow Americans who feel as depressed as I do, are sick to their stomach and some of who are marching in the streets - go to those democratic party meetings and do the same thing there that the right wing nutters have successfully done to the republican party. They very successfully have taken control of that party. NOTE: Donald Trump is now the President. Of course they showed up, took it over and have turned it, and now our country, into a right wing shit show that even I could not make up. So please, for the love of God, return the favor. In short….Make Your Voices Heard by being and/or getting involved and voting. If you continue to buy the lies that your vote does not matter, that this system is beyond repair and/or stayed home this past November… I have a lesson to share. Lessons are repeated until learned. The pain of each repeated lesson grows exponentially and I, for one, have had enough pain. I hope you have had enough pain too. NOTE: Only about 25% of the electorate voted this asshole into the office of the President of the United States of America. The donald still did not even win the popular vote. In closing I will share what my mother did her best to beat into my head. Always leave all those you come into contact with better than they and you were. Always leave everywhere you live/stay/visit better than how you found it. (cleaner too - folks please pick up after your pets and stop being litter bugs) Thought of the week: The freedom of all of us is fundamentally dependent on providing a first class PUBLIC EDUCATION for all of us. The kids out there are OUR KIDS. Please read my blog (link below) from the beginning for a complete picture of how I ended up right here right now. It has, and continues to be, one hell of a journey. Feel free to copy, borrow, share this blog anywhere and everywhere. riksjourney.blogspot.com

Weekend Update - 05/19/2017

Had to take a week off. I am back. Well, I now know my brain is going bad. I am now a participant in some brain studies. I get free head pictures and a lot of blood and other bodily fluids drawn. I hope this is able to help others in some small way. More on that later….if I remember. My medical condition remains the same. I see more doctors in the coming week. More will be revealed. The biggest change for me has been living without debt since the sale of my house. I am beginning to realize how much time (mental and otherwise) I spent on worrying about bills and if I would even have a place to live in the coming months. I still find myself becoming anxious and moving to depressed until i stop and think about the new fact that I do not owe any debt other than the medical debt. I can afford to pay this without not paying something else and I am still OK financially. I had to lose my house to do this but this was a very much - to my continued realization - a very good necessary loss. My perception of the world and my life has been altered for the better. I feel so much “lighter”. While my world has gotten smaller due to some physical limitations, it is also becoming larger in the context of the increased ways in which I may now engage with it. Enough of my “inside” world for now. It’s time to move on to that “outside” world. I am now going to use my vast mental powers, which some would say are tinted by just a slight touch of paranoia, to predict the future of one donald trump. This is May 19, 2017. I believe he will very shortly come down with a physical illness which will preclude him from finishing his term as our President. This will mean that after he has to resign (so sad….NOT) that all of the investigations into his presidential campaign, his White House, his finances, and the highly probable connections to the Russians in all of these issues as well as the general high crimes and misdemeanors associated with all of the afore mentioned will be dropped. I would hope that his henchmen would still be pursued but I have serious doubts about that as whoever the republicans choose to replace him as president will be handing out presidential pardons to anyone even remotely connected these events - given out - of course - for the good of the country. NOTE: Vice-President Pence will not become president as he will be too closely connected to this shit storm. Our former President, who so sadly had to resign due to health problems, will go on his merry way having gotten off scot-free. He will become a martyr to the republicans who will, of course, blame Hillary, Obama, and the democrats for any difficulties our country will encounter as we go thru this process as well as blame them for the country having to endure this nightmare in the first place. another thought……….. As I walk down the streets I look and wonder about how many of the people I see see me as a “threat”, wish I would disappear, and would gladly do me harm. I wonder if they are worried they might be late for their KKK meeting. I wonder if their relatives are the people who I see in pictures of lynchings. I wonder if their relatives were the ones who participated the violent acts perpetrated against people of color since the founding of this country. I wonder if they are related to the folks who owned my ancestors and/or participated in the almost genocide against my other ancestors. I wonder if the blood that flows thru my veins is some of the same blood that flows thru theirs. I am a product of this country. Genetically I am of all the peoples America and I wonder what would happen if everyone got a DNA test. I am rambling……… In short ….. I do not have much faith in my country to do the right thing and live up to what I see as its promises. I hope I am proved wrong. If so, I will jump up and down for joy and happily admit …………… I was wrong. I really hope I am wrong on this one. For the sake of our children hope I am wrong too. Please read my blog (link below) from the beginning for a complete picture of how I ended up right here right now. It has, and continues to be, one hell of a journey.

Weekend Update - 05/05/2017

Great news! My blood work looks great! All of my systems remain operational….if just a little bit sporadic. Time to move on to other things as I have had enough of the medical issues for now. I have begun the nesting process at my new place of residence. “Smaller” living is good. It has been good to let go of “stuff”. The process of really “examining everything you have” and asking yourself “why you have it” is proving to be very beneficial for me. I have recently experienced quite a few “necessary losses”. I am feeling a lot “lighter” because of it. I am now a year older and can honestly say wiser because of it. I also cannot get that song that says “when I’m 64” out of my head. My quote of the week is directly related to the the fact that I am a cancer survivor and I know first hand the financial shit storm which can (and did for me) result from my cancer diagnosis. My quote of the week - “The only things worse than the republican members of the House are the people who voted for them”. Please read my blog (link below) from the beginning for a complete picture of how I ended up right here right now. It has, and continues to be, one hell of a journey. riksjourney.blogspot.com

Weekend Update (a little late) - 05/02/2017

I saw my oncologist today and the news continues to be good….still have to wait for the last blood work results. All of my other physical issues remain but it does indeed make a difference when you no longer have a financial “Sword of Damocles” hanging over your head. I do believe I am beginning to lighten up a bit by starting to actually enjoy being alive. Returning to the hospital has really put things more into perspective for me. I am alive. I have a life … not an existence. My thanks to the other folks who I chit-chatted with this morning. I am also beginning to make where I now live my home. I might just be here for a little while. I do believe I have succeeded in killing off most of my roommates (the little brown brothers). I was really fortunate that in my former home I did not have the “little brown brothers” problem. In other news………my country continues to be a right wing shit show. I dream of waking up one day and not having to hear about the latest republican plan(s) to make america great again. Please note I did say republican - not trump. The donald is nothing more than an useful idiot being whored out by the republican party. Please remember this. I do hold out a slim hope that enough folks in this country will show up and vote, be out in the streets, and otherwise resist this current government. Democracy is not a spectator sport. I also hope that the left in this country finds its voice and realizes it too lives in the United States of America …. not the United States of Fantasyland. Put those rose colored glasses down and stop quoting republican/right wing talking points. When I do listen to the news I am further dismayed because of the subjects not being talked about and the normalization of trump and the republican minions political, financial, and social agenda for this country. I no longer wonder how the nazis came to power and did the horrific things they did with the acquiescence of German people. Way to many of the american people not just ignorant but willfully so. Add to that the level of racism in this country and I find myself being grateful for being as old as I am. At least I will not be around to watch this whole country implode. The level of stupid in this country makes the folks in the movie Idiocracy look like Rhodes Scholars. The republicans have not only thrown the measuring bar for intelligence on the ground but keep digging a deeper hole to keep throwing it into. The stupid…it burns. My quote of the week - Buckle up buttercup, trump’s going to blow us all up. Please read my blog (link below) from the beginning for a complete picture of how I ended up right here right now. It has, and continues to be, one hell of a journey. riksjourney.blogspot.com

Weekend Update - 04/21/2017

I am once again acquainted with the sixth level of hell…..MOVING. It’s not just a job, it’s like going to the DMV while having your doctor tell you that you might have a week left to live while a car alarm is going off about ten feet away from you and that overturned sewage truck is really getting ripe. But moved I am. Further downsizing is required. This is my mission for this coming week. And in spite of my whining last week I am beginning to enjoy the freedom that comes with being in a position to tell the Bank of America to &*^% off. Now this feels good. And in regards to those feelings about having to move out of my home of the past eighteen years……. They are there. Sadness… but I do understand that this was one of those necessary losses. I am in process about this. Medically…….no news is good news indeed. As I watch my country turn into a right wing shit show I dream of a day when I can wake up and be in the world for twenty-four hours without being made aware of a new way that the republicans and their whore trump have not done, said, or are planning some new way to &%#* us all. More in depth on this later. Please read my blog (link below) from the beginning for a complete picture of how I ended up right here right now. It has, and continues to be, one hell of a journey.

Weekend Update - 04/16/2017

The message to me this past week has been to let go. To let go of “stuff”, my own preconceived ideas, and my paranoia that any minute someone or something is going to come and take everything away from me. I am finding it a new journey to live without the fear of imminent financial collapse. Change…….I am not a big fan right now but it is growing on me….like a bad unknown rash. All medical conditions continue to be stable. This is good. Thanks once again to all who continue to provide me with mental floss. My brain is tired. My body has surrendered. I am out. Please read my blog (link below) from the beginning for a complete picture of how I ended up right here right now. It has, and continues to be, one hell of a journey.

Weekend Update - 04/07/2017

This is my first post following the closing of my gofundme page. This does feel a little odd but I am so relieved to be able to end that part of this journey. I am still in my home of the past eighteen years but only for about the next three days. Monday will be my final day here. If nothing else I can say I have done what momma always told me to do with people, places and things. Leave all better than when you found them. I am leaving this home in better shape than when I first moved in. As it is now spring, those that know me might be aware that I am on the upswing. Seasonal affective disorder is indeed a thing. I am zipping right through all those feelings I am having about moving. Don’t worry folks I am sure they will catch up with me eventually. Medically I am stable except for part of my body which continues to bring me so much joy joy joy. As time goes on I am going to broaden what I have been writing about to include other items of interest to me and a few that bring me joy and a few that really chap my ass. And now my journey continues. Moving for the first time in eighteen years when I had no plans to do so (My plan was to die here) has become quite the adventure itself. More on this next week. And I must continue to thank all of you who have shared this journey with me. I would not be here without each and every one of you. Please read my blog (link below) from the beginning for a complete picture of how I ended up right here right now. It has, and continues to be, one hell of a journey. riksjourney.blogspot.com

Weekend Update - 03/31/2017

All of my medical stuff continues with stability being the operative word. This is very very good indeed. And now to the real news of note… After much (and I do mean a hell of a lot) due diligence in regards to my ongoing financial situation… more has been revealed. And revealed really ^%$***$# fast. Please know that I am still processing the events of the past couple of weeks so I apologize if the following is a little disjointed. Without the generosity of all of you who have shared your experience, strength, hope, time, and resources with me over the past three plus years I would not have been able to remain financially viable. By that I mean I would have lost my home, car, still have substantial debt, and pretty much been left without a pot to piss in. But because of your generous gifts I have been able to survive and remain in my home of the past eighteen years until about now. Very fortunately I have just been able to sell my home and in the coming weeks use those proceeds to pay off almost all of my debt. While there is still some medical debt left, I will now be able to support myself independently. While I am sad to have to give up my home of eighteen years I am so very grateful to be able to at least move on to a different home (apartment) where I can be financially secure and not have to live in a state of financial panic the last two weeks of every month. Another big “THANK YOU” to all who have shared their experience, strength, hope, time and resources. Your time and gifts have been greatly appreciated. I am now moving on to a new chapter in my life and plan to continue writing this blog. As a good friend once said…there is nothing like a good emotional douche and corresponding mental floss. This is especially true when these are performed on at least a weekly basis. My cancer journey does continue. My intention is to continue to share this journey with you for my own mental, spiritual, and physical health and in the hope, that in some small way, it may let someone out there know that they are not alone, unique, doomed, or a lost soul. Also to share with you all a few lessons I have and continue to learn on my cancer journey. Some of the most important ones being that (1) my greatest strength is to set my pride aside and ask for the help I need when I need it, and (2) to share honestly with others the feelings I experience as my journey progresses, and (3) as a human being I do not live my life gracefully but I live it with the tremendous amount of grace bestowed upon me. This past several weeks have proven to me beyond a shadow of a doubt that I do not know what is going to happen. Of course being a human being I will forget all of this given half a chance and/or enough time. My answer to this is to persevere on my continuing cancer journey. Once again I say thank you even though this feels so inadequate. Much love to you all and thank you again for the love you have shared with me over these past three plus years. NOTE: My gofundme page can now be ended and it is indeed now closed. My goal has been met. My goal was not met the way I planned but has been successfully met the way the “powers that be” intended. I am a very humbled human being. This is good. For the big picture please read my blog from the beginning. ***Please note that the 12/14/16 post in my blog is one which I encourage you to share freely.*** Please read and share my story. riksjourney.blogspot.com

Weekend Update - 03/25/2017

Good news. All of my blood work looks good and now only seeing doctors only every four months! In other news….life goes on and more will be revealed. Change is a coming and I know I will be OK thanks to all of you. News of note: I love those “Depends”. A great thank you for the patience of my friends and family as this process continues. I am asking all to please share my story once again emphasizing that no amount is too small and that $10.00 - $20.00 is better than $0 dollars. I so look forward to the day when I do not need to ask for financial assistance. This continues to be so much more of a humbling experience. A continuing big “THANK YOU” to all who have and continue to share their experience, strength, hope, time and resources. Your time and gifts are, as always, greatly appreciated and still needed. For the big picture please read my blog from the beginning. ***Please note that the 12/14/16 post in my blog is one which I encourage you to share freely.*** Please read and share my story. www.gofundme.com/j55wek

Weekend Update - 03/17/2017

I can say one thing for certain. Surviving terminal cancer has forever changed my perspective on life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. This journey began about four years ago and really picked up steam in the spring of 2014. My ability to confront and survive the changes in my life which have occurred as a direct result of my cancer diagnosis continues to leave me almost speechless at times. (I did say almost…) I do know I do not deal with change gracefully. I been able to survive and thrive the changes in my life thus far due only to the support of my friends and family. My mantras this week are “I am not an island” - “I am not alone” - I do not know what is going to happen” - “I cannot foretell the future”. If you notice a degree of repetition here it is due to the fact that I am stubborn, clueless, and bullheaded at times. This has proven to be true especially when I am stressed…as is the case now. Particularly over the past six months or so I have attempted to go down several different paths regarding my future. Some of these would lead to my sure self-destruction and cause me, and more importantly those who are close to me, a horrendous amount of pain. Other paths …. well I do not “know” where they will lead but for sure I will be present and accounted for at the ends of them. In my recent endeavors all sane pathways have led to where I am now and the resultant actions I must now take. I am reminded - again - that I do not do life gracefully but do live life like a full fledged member of humanity. That is to say …… I live life with an incredible amount of grace and just pure dumb luck. Two of my greatest strengths are to be able to ask for help and follow directions. I do neither gracefully. My thoughts for the week is this: Every time history repeats itself, the price goes up. My simple goal is not to have lessons be repeated in my life. I do see my endocrinologist this coming week but as everything else looks good there should be no news of note. I continue to be so vey grateful for Depends. A great thank you for the patience of my friends and family as this process continues. I am asking all to please share my story once again emphasizing that no amount is too small and that $10.00 - $20.00 is better than $0 dollars. I so look forward to the day when I do not need to ask for financial assistance. This continues to be so much more of a humbling experience. A continuing big “THANK YOU” to all who have and continue to share their experience, strength, hope, time and resources. Your time and gifts are, as always, greatly appreciated and still needed. For the big picture please read my blog from the beginning. ***Please note that the 12/14/16 post in my blog is one which I encourage you to share freely.*** Please read and share my story. www.gofundme.com/j55wek

Weekend Update - 03/10/2017

Good news on the medical front. Blood work is good and fewer doctor appointments in my future. My thyroid meds are still being adjusted and I continue to ever so grateful for whoever invented “Depends” -those adult diapers. However, other events continue to happen.The main events being the maintenance and routine upkeep of my home. My home needs some “not” routine maintenance and upkeep. Adding those bills to the party and it’s turning into Mardi Gras. Well, it is Lent after all. I am really trying to not be overwhelmed by all of this. Change is in the air and I am not a big fan of change. My question of the week is what are the most mature and responsible actions I can take to resolve the issues facing me. My actions of the week, and coming weeks, are to be as mature and responsible in all of the actions I take. Some of those actions will be to be both quiet, patient and inert. Then, above all, to attempt to be pro-active rather than reactive in any actions I may take. And on a lighter note…..which may make no sense…..I am “social working” myself. Well, it makes sense in my brain. A great thank you for the patience of my friends and family as this process continues. I am asking all to please share my story once again emphasizing that no amount is too small and that $10.00 - $20.00 is better than $0 dollars. I so look forward to the day when I do not need to ask for financial assistance. This continues to be so much more of a humbling experience. A continuing big “THANK YOU” to all who have and continue to share their experience, strength, hope, time and resources. Your time and gifts are, as always, greatly appreciated and still needed. For the big picture please read my blog from the beginning. ***Please note that the 12/14/16 post in my blog is one which I encourage you to share freely.*** Please read and share my story. www.gofundme.com/j55wek

Weekend Update - 03/03/2017

My mind is a swirling nexus of thoughts, contradictions, possibilities and visions of my future. I look into the mirror and see smoke coming out of my ears. I am so damned self-obsessed right now. So what follows in this posting is some much needed mental floss. Surrender is such a process. It goes on even when you are completely oblivious to it. The unknown can be a scary thing especially when your own fears, doubts and paranoia are added to the mix. I am doing my best to be as mature and responsible as I can be. One step at a time. Trusting the process. Even going to the park and sitting in a quiet secluded place and reflecting on the meaning of my life as well as life itself. I do not like change for it has uncertain outcomes. However my circumstances dictate that change I must. Even the possibility of letting go of things (or anything for that matter) is terrifying to me at times (like right now). 
 I am trying very hard to look at my life and remember that somehow I have survived. Also to remember all of the events, circumstances and downright insane occurrences I have lived through. I look at my life and I do accept that there has been an extraordinary amount of GRACE granted to me …… or just plain dumb luck. My spirit tells me I cannot discount the large amount of GRACE I have been gifted in my life. I do not know what the future holds but as I am still here I am hoping I will be OK no matter what. I am doing my best to hold onto what a very good friend recently shared with me. It just might be my time to thrive. Would not that be a hoot. FYI - Good blood work this week. And the old saying is true. Once a social worker, always a social worker. Volunteering to assist other cancer patients and it feels so good. I am asking all to please share my story once again emphasizing that no amount is too small and that $10.00 - $20.00 is better than $0 dollars. I so look forward to the day when I do not need to ask for financial assistance. This continues to be so much more of a humbling experience. A continuing big “THANK YOU” to all who have and continue to share their experience, strength, hope, time and resources. Your time and gifts are, as always, greatly appreciated and still needed. For the big picture please read my blog from the beginning. ***Please note that the 12/14/16 post in my blog is one which I encourage you to share freely.*** Please read and share my story. www.gofundme.com/j55wek

Weekend Update - 2/24/17

This will be a short one. Kind of a rough week. I do march on. Enough said. Still waiting on the latest blood work. This is one of those times I need to remain silent. And the old saying is true. Once a social worker, always a social worker. Volunteering to assist other cancer patients and it feels so good. I am asking all to please share my story once again emphasizing that no amount is too small and that $10.00 - $20.00 is better than $0 dollars. I so look forward to the day when I do not need to ask for financial assistance. This continues to be so much more of a humbling experience. A continuing big “THANK YOU” to all who have and continue to share their experience, strength, hope, time and resources. Your time and gifts are, as always, greatly appreciated and still needed. For the big picture please read my blog from the beginning. ***Please note that the 12/14/16 post in my blog is one which I encourage you to share freely.*** Please read and share my story. www.gofundme.com/j55wek

Weekend Update - 2/17/17

A week of remembrance for me. I would not be where I am without those who have freely given of their financial resources. I would not be where I am now without those who have listened to me and shared their experience strength and hope when I have, and have not been, self consumed with fears, doubts, generalized/absolute paranoia, self-pity, self loathing, loneliness, hopelessness, apathy, depression and /or a generalized feeling of being just “FINE”. You know…that F’ed up - Insecure - Neurotic - Emotional state of being. I would not be here know without those who have listened and shared their experience strength and hope when I have been happy, joyous, quiet, mirthful, and generally at peace with myself and the world. I would not be where I am today without those of you who have carried me when I need to be carried and left me alone when I have needed to stand alone. You all have given me the gifts of perseverance and the fierce knowledge that I am not alone. Thank you for taking care of me when it has been needed and above all loving me when I was unable to love myself. OK. Enough of those feelings……….back to that pleasant state of denial and numbness. The frequent thoughts of was that a fart, a shart or an “oh crap” are very tiring at times. There are times when I can easily dismiss these. Other times…. not so much. I am frustrated that I am no longer able to just “get up and go” but have to do a body check and time check on my bowels. I see a couple of my doctors next week. I am looking forward to these visits and tests with positive expectations. I do thank you all for sharing your experience strength and hope which is why I have those positive expectations. And the old saying is true. Once a social worker, always a social worker. Volunteering to assist other cancer patients and it feels so good. I am asking all to please share my story once again emphasizing that no amount is too small and that $10.00 - $20.00 is better than $0 dollars. I so look forward to the day when I do not need to ask for financial assistance. This continues to be so much more of a humbling experience. A continuing big “THANK YOU” to all who have and continue to share their experience, strength, hope, time and resources. Your time and gifts are, as always, greatly appreciated and still needed. For the big picture please read my blog from the beginning. ***Please note that the 12/14/16 post in my blog is one which I encourage you to share freely.*** Please read and share my story. www.gofundme.com/j55wek

Weekend Update - 2/10/17

Sometimes you find peace where you least expect it. This is a week where I have found a little peace with where I am on this journey. It’s good to look at the whole forest and not focus on one tree. There is so much pain in the world but there is also so much more love, decency and common courtesy. Placing one foot in front of the other is simply the best thing to do. Thank you to all who continue to share my journey and for listening to me. And the old saying is true. Once a social worker, always a social worker. Volunteering to assist other cancer patients and it feels so good. I am asking all to please share my story once again emphasizing that no amount is too small and that $10.00 - $20.00 is better than $0 dollars. I so look forward to the day when I do not need to ask for financial assistance. This continues to be so much more of a humbling experience. A continuing big “THANK YOU” to all who have and continue to share their experience, strength, hope, time and resources. Your time and gifts are, as always, greatly appreciated and still needed. For the big picture please read my blog from the beginning. ***Please note that the 12/14/16 post in my blog is one which I encourage you to share freely.*** Please read and share my story. www.gofundme.com/j55wek

Weekend Update - 2/3/17

There are those moments when I just want to stop. I want to run away and just be at peace and/or happy. During these times, after talking with folks, I am reminded I do not know the future. I do know that “ongoing change” is in my future and for someone like me, who does not like change, it is important for me to live as much as possible in the moment. It is also important for me to be as mature and responsible as I can when making decisions. Fear is not a good base to make decisions from. I read a book many years ago entitled “Necessary Losses”. I am reminded of the losses I have endured must endure in the future. Some of these losses were and will be necessary and some have been and will be due to circumstance. Regardless, all will occur. How I live with the losses to come is what I am focused on in the here and now. I know I must fully vet any decisions I make and I know the responsibility for those decisions rests solely on me. So my projects in the coming months will be to fully discuss with friends/family all of my options and the implications of each of those options. I will also be spending some quiet time with myself and my pen and paper as I ponder all of my options. Time marches on as do the bills. Some good news…I am down to just four (4) doctors and blood work is looking good. Some tests/scans in the future but things are looking good now. Thank you to all who continue to share my journey. And the old saying is true. Once a social worker, always a social worker. Volunteering to assist other cancer patients and it feels so good. I am asking all to please share my story once again emphasizing that no amount is too small and that $10.00 - $20.00 is better than $0 dollars. I so look forward to the day when I do not need to ask for financial assistance. This continues to be so much more of a humbling experience. A continuing big “THANK YOU” to all who have and continue to share their experience, strength, hope, time and resources. Your time and gifts are, as always, greatly appreciated and still needed. For the big picture please read my blog from the beginning. ***Please note that the 12/14/16 post in my blog is one which I encourage you to share freely.*** Please read and share my story. www.gofundme.com/j55wek

Weekend Update - 1/27/17

This past week I had a couple of moments of clarity/epiphany/blinding flash of the obvious. One was the deeper realization that I am living in “extra-time”. A realization that I was really dying and would be dead if not for my doctors pulling a “rabbit out of a hat” in that what they (he) tried to do really worked. Deeper thoughts/feelings of the idea that I really should not be here now…..but I am. Another was how I have been so willfully unaware/clueless about just how serious my current physical and financial situations are. This was revealed to me while discussing with other cancer patients their personal physical/financial situations. Said realizations including …. “holy crap that’s me!”. Of course I then whipped out my old pal denial which made me feel so much better. Writing this is slapping myself in the face with the wet rag of reality. My mind can be a dangerous place to be. Also while denial can be a useful tool at times, at others it has led me to ruin and a buttload of pain. The overall implication of all of this is that I need help. There is a part of me which continues to fight this truth. The thoughts of “it would be so much easier to just end this” scare the crap out of me. This is good. All of this is part of being a human being. Oh boy, am I a human being. What continues to save me is the love, care and support of all of my friends and family. I must keep repeating this because of how quickly I forget it. This is the power of repetition. This is the power of perseverance. This blog/journal is my weekly shot of hope. The power of writing at least something every week continues to be one of the positive guiding forces in my life. Still more doctors etc. I can officially say I have had more needles stuck in me than there are cars on I-285 during rush hour. And the old saying is true. Once a social worker, always a social worker. Volunteering to assist other cancer patients and it feels so good. Due to my latest surgery and resultant trips to the doctors/labs things are stretched more than ever at this time so I am asking all to please share my story once again emphasizing that no amount is too small and that $10.00 - $20.00 is better than $0 dollars. I so look forward to the day when I do not need to ask for financial assistance. This continues to become so much more of a humbling experience. A continuing big “THANK YOU” to all who have and continue to share their experience, strength, hope, time and resources. Your time and gifts are, as always, greatly appreciated and still needed. ***Please note that the 12/14/16 post in my blog is one which I encourage you to share freely.*** Please read and share my story. www.gofundme.com/j55wek

Weekend Update - 1/22/17

Sometimes the hardest part of life is simply breathing in and out, putting one foot in front of the other and to be at peace between your ears. Yesterday I was reminded, once again, that I am not alone. There is so much love in the world and it was good to see. And the old saying is true. Once a social worker, always a social worker. Volunteering to assist other cancer patients and it feels so good. Due to my latest surgery and resultant trips to the doctors/labs things are stretched more than ever at this time so I am asking all to please share my story once again emphasizing that no amount is too small and that $10.00 - $20.00 is better than $0 dollars. I so look forward to the day when I do not need to ask for financial assistance. This continues to become so much more of a humbling experience. A continuing big “THANK YOU” to all who have and continue to share their experience, strength, hope, time and resources. Your time and gifts are, as always, greatly appreciated and still needed. ***Please note that the 12/14/16 post in my blog is one which I encourage you to share freely.*** Please read and share my story. www.gofundme.com/j55wek

Weekend Update - 1/13/17

The past few weeks have been about surrender. I have surrendered (and am possibly still surrendering) to one of my basic truths. Said truth being: I cannot wrestle with “God” and win. Said “God” being the God of my understanding which, to my limited understanding and by my personal belief system, being defined as the “Powers That Be” - “the Great Mystery” - “Star Stuff” - and the great fact of my own personal encounters with events which I can only describe as spiritual in their very nature. Further, these events are things I cannot deny. They are part of my truth. Also have come to believe (again) that I cannot continue on my journey without spiritual support and guidance. Said guidance primarily being me getting out of my own way, shutting up and following directions and having faith in the fact I do not know what is going to happen. Now it is living with the after effects of my journey with cancer. Surrendering to the fact that cancer will forever be a part of my life and I had better quit “wishing” and start “living” the life I have been re-gifted. As such is the case I must continue to write about my journey, show up for life to the best of my ability and be realistic by practicing humility by asking for the help I need. To lighten the mood here I can tell you that Depends (the adult diapers) are not cheap and if I had a dollar for every load of clothes I am now having to wash I would be able to shut down my gofundme page. Visits to the doctors/labs continue with mostly good news being the norm at this time. Please know that I am very very happy about this. And the old saying is true. Once a social worker, always a social worker. Volunteering to assist other cancer patients and it feels so good. As the holidays are here, I ask all who would like to give to please donate as one of my greatest needs is to continue to be able to pay my bills. Due to my latest surgery and resultant trips to the doctors/labs things are stretched more than ever at this time so I am asking all to please share my story once again emphasizing that no amount is too small and that $10.00 - $20.00 is better than $0 dollars. I so look forward to the day when I do not need to ask for financial assistance. This continues to become so much more of a humbling experience. A continuing big “THANK YOU” to all who have and continue to share their experience, strength, hope, time and resources. Your time and gifts are, as always, greatly appreciated and still needed. ***Please note that the 12/14/16 post in my blog is one which I encourage you to share freely.*** Please read and share my story. www.gofundme.com/j55wek

Weekend Update - 1/6/17

What can I say. Washing a lot of laundry and am doing my best to keep living the dream. More doctors/labs and my journey continues. I am tired but I am determined to keep living the best life I can. My love to you all. And the old saying is true. Once a social worker, always a social worker. Volunteering to assist other cancer patients and it feels so good. As the holidays are here, I ask all who would like to give to please donate as one of my greatest needs is to continue to be able to pay my bills. Due to my latest surgery and resultant trips to the doctors/labs things are stretched more than ever at this time so I am asking all to please share my story once again emphasizing that no amount is too small and that $10.00 - $20.00 is better than $0 dollars. I so look forward to the day when I do not need to ask for financial assistance. This continues to become so much more of a humbling experience. A continuing big “THANK YOU” to all who have and continue to share their experience, strength, hope, time and resources. Your time and gifts are, as always, greatly appreciated and still needed. ***Please note that the 12/14/16 post in my blog is one which I encourage you to share freely.*** Please read and share my story. www.gofundme.com/j55wek