Weekend Update - 1/29/16

Some very good news this week. I had my colonoscopy and all was clear except for “radiation proctitis”. All I choose to say about this is please “google it” for more information. Due to this “radiation proctitis” there was some treatment done during this procedure and I am set up for further treatment of this condition in late March. Oh joy …. another colon cleanse. As many of you know the preparation is worse than the actual procedure. My big scans are in about a month so life goes on. I must also say, again, how astounded I am at the length of time in the billing cycles. From the time a “visit/procedure” to the time I receive the bill you can have the full term birth of a child and almost celebrate the baby’s first birthday. I am trying to be positive and I am focusing on the things I can still do. However, the reality of the changes in and the loss of some bodily functions, as well as in some of my daily activities, does weigh heavily at times. In spite of these changes I am grateful to be able to laugh at life, the people in it and, most of all, to laugh at myself as I continue to learn to live this “extra-time” life I have been given. I do know my creditors are also grateful I am still here to pay them. That old saying of there are only two things certain in life - death and taxes - - - well I am very very happy I can pay taxes again this year and hopefully for many years to come. I am looking forward to sharing my experience, strength and hope with other cancer patients. I am, once again, practicing social work and doing a little something to give back what has been so freely shared with me. And a special thank you for those that helped me laugh this past weekend. Once again … in closing, the reality of my financial situation continues to be what it is…. not good. I am asking all to give what you can and to remember that no amount is to small. Every little bit helps. I am living month to month, and without the support I have received I would not still be living in my home. A big “THANK YOU” to all who have shared their experience, strength, hope, time and resources. ***Please note that the 12/3/15 post in my blog is one which I encourage you to share freely.*** Please read and share my story. www.gofundme.com/j55wek

Weekend Update - 1/22/16

This week I have been focused on “waiting”. To further explain…… The waiting I do when I go to the doctor, the lab, radiology and the hospital. I am not even going to include waiting in traffic, at the grocery store, for the movie to start - [ this would require a 450 page book to fully describe the agony of watching not 3, not 5, not 6, but now up to 12 “previews” prior to the start of the movie] - at the airport/train/bus station, going out to eat, the computer/electronic device to work/start and (my personal favorite) on the phone while dealing with insurance or other companies or worse …. the cable company. But I digress, so back to waiting as it applies to my ongoing cancer journey. Sometimes you do not even realize you are waiting. My prime example of this is receiving hospital/doctor/lab/procedure bills over a year after receiving treatment. Surprise! I got another bill for something that occurred over a year ago. The most impactful waiting for me is the time between when the doctor indicates something might be “wrong” and finding out (hopefully) what the “wrong” is. Of course there are tests/labs involved as well as the time involved between the tests/labs before you receive an answer and that answer may be we “think/guess/know” what is going on and how best to treat it. There follows the treatment itself which involves even more waiting while said treatment is given. Then you wait on the results and the you wait for time to pass to “prove” this set of results are indeed correct. So for me there is currently a whole lot of waiting going on. This is my new normal. Please note that I am profoundly grateful I am alive and waiting. At the same time the “waiting” does get old. I have my colonoscopy next week and I will be anxiously waiting for the results of this as the medical folk are “concerned”. I think I will be ok and these symptoms will continue to be part of my new normal. Sometimes life is like a roller coaster and right now I am holding on tight. I believe I am doing well as the worst thing I have done is eat some french toast. In short I am doing very well and feeling those feelings. There is still a great sense of loss in regards to my day to day activities. Sad and disappointed and a little depressed but this is to be expected as I am a human being. Right now I am feeling really human and this is a good thing. I remain very grateful I cannot predict the future and am reminded I do not know what is going to happen. Once again … in closing, the reality of my financial situation continues to be what it is…. not good. I am asking all to give what you can and to remember that no amount is to small. Every little bit helps. I am living month to month, and without the support I have received I would not still be living in my home. A big “THANK YOU” to all who have shared their experience, strength, hope, time and resources. ***Please note that the 12/3/15 post in my blog is one which I encourage you to share freely.*** Please read and share my story. www.gofundme.com/j55wek

Weekend Update - 1/15/16

Weekend Update - 1/15/16 Now is one of those times I wish life were all about rainbows and puppies. Alas, that thought belongs to fantasyland. Things continue to move forward. More trips for medical interventions and the bills which follow. I am doing my best to continue to do the next right thing. This is one of those times when “doing the next right thing” entails not performing actions which will not serve me well. So I continue tout one foot in front of the other, breath in and out and try to be as positive as I can be. I have been feeling more intensely the “losses” my illness has bestowed upon me. These losses are becoming more apparent as time goes by and I attempt to live life the way I was once able to. The ability to travel, even short trips at times, is becoming more “mission planning”. My ability to spontaneously show up for anything is becoming a thing of the past. The necessity of having to ask for help with more mundane things (moving things in the house as well as cleaning it, etc) is slowly becoming my new normal. I feel sad. I am more aware of “trials” of other cancer patients and the changes this disease has fostered upon all of us. I know I am not alone and I am aware that while I have my problems, there are many more who have it far worse than I. Living with cancer has caused me to focus on what I believe. I do know, once again, that repeated ritual and ceremony provide me a peace of spirit. I learned this earlier when I first became disabled with back/neck issues and the resultant severe mobility problems about 20 years ago. I must mention this today. We have lost a couple of famous people recently to cancer. I am sad at their passing, but I also have that “cancer patients” feeling of “there but for the grace” go I. Being profoundly aware of the fact they “battled cancer” and “lost” that “battle” to the disease has brought the reality of my disease back in front of me where I cannot ignore it, nor the feelings surrounding my “battle with cancer”. At times over the past couple of days this has been almost overwhelming. A reality check for me. In the coming weeks I have my colonoscopy. As always nowadays, there are people/doctors who are “concerned” due to some symptoms I have. I have done my best to ignore this and be concerned not for medical reasons but because of the great inconvenience of having this procedure done. Those who know …. you know of what I speak. I am at peace with the powers that be and as I have survived my disease quite well so far I am not “worried” about the outcome but more concerned with the “inconvenience”. I am grateful for the continuing support of my “go to hospital with me” friends and my “help me with the at home procedures” friends. With friends like you all I have no worries and really know I am not alone. Well that is what is happening in my world. I am very happy I do not know what will happen. Once again … in closing, the reality of my financial situation continues to be what it is…. not good. I am asking all to give what you can and to remember that no amount is to small. Every little bit helps. I am living month to month, and without the support I have received I would not still be living in my home. A big “THANK YOU” to all who have shared their experience, strength, hope, time and resources. ***Please note that the 12/3/15 post in my blog is one which I encourage you to share freely.*** Please read and share my story. www.gofundme.com/j55wek And read my blog at: riksjourney.blogspot.com

Weekend Update - 1/8/16

Weekend Update - 1/8/16 And a Happy New Year to all! This is the year I believed I would not see. This once again proves just how well I can predict the future. It also says a lot about the progress of modern medicine. My holidays, for the first time in many many years, were brilliant. A special thank you to all who shared them with me. It was very special to be “out and about” during this very social season. And a special “shout out” to my family who came down from Richmond to spend this time with me. It was good to be around “family” and to remember the ties that bind us. I also was reminded that time does not stand still and the years became even more apparent as I watched my nephew. Life does go on and I am looking forward to continuing and enhancing my volunteer efforts this coming year. I might not be able to do much but I can be a support to others who have and are experiencing life with cancer and the life “after” cancer. I am once again a social worker and proud and grateful to be so. My visits to the doctors, nurses, hospital and labs continue on. I am beginning to realize this will be a part of my new normal. I have been waiting for a time when “going for medical treatment of some kind” would not be almost a weekly feature of my life. I am beginning to surrender to the fact that these “trips for medical whatever” (along with the recurring side effects of my operations/treatments) will be a permanent fixture in my life. While these trips are very necessary, they are inconvenient, an ongoing financial burden and really cramp my “social calendar”. This time after the main cancer surgery in November 2014, the follow up radiation treatment and the thyroid cancer surgery in April of 2015 - and not even looking at all the medical drama which has followed I am now considering as my “extra-time”. I am viewing this time as time gifted to me and it is up to me to make the best possible use of it. I am still sorting out my identity in how I answer when someone asks “What do you do?”. My focus has been on my illness and ongoing treatments. It is tiresome and depressing to be the “sick guy”. I am now trying to focus on other things I would like to do and on the new paths which are opening up for me. I foresee a lot of volunteer work in my future and that is good. My hope is to share with other cancer patients my experience, strength and hope and to let them know, ahead of time, at least some of what they can expect and the “ending” is not yet written. I have found, and continue to find, an enormous amount of strength and hope in the fact that I do not know what the future will be. And I am going to say this …. again …. cancer sucks. And the treatment sucks too. I am just grateful as hell I can sit here and write about how much it sucks. Once again … in closing, the reality of my financial situation continues to be what it is…. not good. I am asking all to give what you can and to remember that no amount is to small. Every little bit helps. I am living month to month, and without the support I have received I would not still be living in my home. A big “THANK YOU” to all who have shared their experience, strength, hope, time and resources. ***Please note that the 12/3/15 post in my blog is one which I encourage you to share freely.*** Please read and share my story. www.gofundme.com/j55wek