Relaxing MAGA Crackling Fireplace - 30 MINS - With Christmas Music - YUL...

A Re-start for the Coming Times

 Weekend Update - 12/11/20

Well here we go. I have not been willing to sit down and write about my current condition ever since I my cancer recurred in February of this year. 

I am more aware than ever of just how much of a process dealing with this disease is. 

First my PSA jumped up almost 5 points right on my 5 year anniversary of my last fight with prostate cancer which cost me the removal of not only my prostate but my bladder (I now have a urostomy), my testicles and 43 lymph nodes. Add to that list radiation proctitis which makes going to the bathroom an adventure almost every time. Also had depression before but after this …….. well damn.

Then it was the waiting and watching as my PSA continued to jump about 5 points every 3-4 weeks as I waited in the necessary tests and scans to confirm the cancer had metastasized to the bones L-4/L-5 with a tumor also located in my spine. 

In the early stages of this latest recurrence I was forced to move too a new abode due to the incompetence of others (that is a story for another time).

I am now in palliative care and am currently on medication which has given me a new appreciation for “hot flashes” and fatigue, etc.. The good news is this has stopped and reversed my PSA level which continues to fall for now. I will be offered radiation only as a pain management treatment. Other medications are also in my future. 

I am very afraid of the progression of my disease and how it will affect my ability to walk and get around. Asking for help has never been one of my strong suits and it still grates my nerves that I have to. 

I am having to ask for more assistance in doing certain things and am having to adjust my exercise/walking routine to deal with effects of the disease and medications.   

So here I am at this most wonderful time of the year watching my country implode as my fellow citizens are dying in mass due to the willful incompetence of those in power. Not to mention the stress of dealing with the damn pandemic which has and does overlay everything.

I also rejoined the prostate cancer support group which has reminded me of the importance of empathy and that people are people. As a friend of mine says……….”People…I just don’t have good things to say about some of them”. 

One of my other realities is looking at my possessions and once again downsizing. Letting go of a lot of things that a year ago I would not even consider letting go of or passing on.

Also having to review all of my end of life documents and being reminded that dying is not a cheap affair. 

I also know that I am not dead yet and that this too will be a process. There is a part of me that is just so damn tired and am wanting to end this crap. However I do plan on riding this train as far as I can. I do have some time left. The end of my ride is up to powers greater than myself. 

On another note…I also wanted to ask folks to not give me anything but cash as I am in the process of letting go of all the stuff I can. {check me in VENMO) And I am asking for any financial assistance available. Life is going on and so are the bills. Being sick is not cheap.  

I am trying to do my best to leave with as much grace as possible as I have been granted with more grace than I feel I deserve in my life.

I would ask who ever reads this to remember something my mother said to me….

“Leave people, places and things at least a little better than you find them”. We are all one.