Weekend Update - 12/9/16

How best to honor all who have and continue to walk with me on my cancer journey? I will honestly write about my thoughts and feelings even though I am terrified by doing so because a part of me believes people do not want to hear my current reality but only want to hear how “positive and uplifting” my battle with cancer and it’s aftereffects have been. My reality is I still live with cancer every damn day. Two of my daily reminders are my urostomy and the fecal incontinence. So here goes…and writing I now am… I breath in and out, put one foot in front of the other, act as mature and responsible as I can in all of my actions (physical, mental, spiritual, financial) and (especially in times like these) I “act as if” everything will work out OK. These are the times I am fighting the negative voices in my head, am fighting to get out of bed each day, am fighting to take proper physical care of myself, am fighting to make positive decisions in all areas of my life, and above all I am fighting to not write the end of my story. These are times where I need to be reminded that I do not “know” what is going to happen any more than I “know” the winning lottery numbers. I feel physically, emotionally and spiritually constipated. On top of that I know I am financially constipated which does not help at all. I do know that my “cancer journey” is not a singular event with a definitive beginning, middle and end. Well my cancer journey does indeed have an end. The same “end” we all share in the end…death. However, I will not be dying anytime soon. Although when my life did have an expiration date my life appeared to be a lot simpler. As is more apparent to me now …. I am depressed and after talking with a couple of friends it is now time for me to once again seek some professional help. I am still surprised at how blind I can be to what is going on with me. I am a very lucky guy to have friends who really let me know when I am running off the rails. In the midst of all of this another doctor visit this week and my liver blood work should be done next week. This hopefully will be a bright spot on this journey. I must add that my trips to my doctor and to the hospital to pick up a friend gave me some perspective I needed. More importantly it was very good to actually be able to help someone who has been there for me. In closing I am once again reminding myself of how best I can honor all of you who have walked with and supported me on this journey. And the answer is … follow directions, check my pride and ego at the door and continue to talk talk talk and write write write. Writing this has been a good emotional douche. Due to my latest surgery and resultant trips to the doctors/labs things are stretched more than ever at this time so I am asking all to please share my story once again emphasizing that no amount is too small and that $10.00 - $20.00 is better than $0 dollars. I so look forward to the day when I do not need to ask for assistance. This continues to become so much more of a humbling experience. A continuing big “THANK YOU” to all who have and continue to share their experience, strength, hope, time and resources. Your time and gifts are, as always, greatly appreciated and needed. ***Please note that the 12/3/15 post in my blog is one which I encourage you to share freely.*** Please read and share my story. www.gofundme.com/j55wek